Thursday, December 31, 2020

Every single day

I’m in bed, looking at the ceiling, a bag of chips is on my belly and I can barely feel my legs. I don’t need a summary, nor a grocery list for next year. "Every day is a birthday" as my mom keeps saying. Every day of me pushing my limits, every day I fail but still keep on going, every day I keep the bad thoughts away and focus on those that really matter. Every single day.

Now is the perfect time to start

I write about my life, I write about my journey. I answer questions about fashion, and I tweet sometimes, letting you know what I am thinking about. But now comes the hardest part. The one I run away from. The one I need to do the most. Remember, Now is the perfect time to start.

Your business- your call.

Even if you already know the answer- You can ask, you can listen. You don’t have to change your mind. You don’t need to get stress by someone saying his option. "Older and wiser" don’t always count. If you see it in your eyes, if you think you should pay for it- do it. Your business- your call.

Strive for satisfaction. Not perfection.

One shooting day, five hours, six looks. Will it be exactly how I saw it in my dreams. Will I get more looks than I expected. Will it happen without any last-minute changes. Probably not. Noting is perfect. Not in real life nor in a fancy studio. Strive for better. For very good. For satisfaction. Not perfection.

Priceless

This is priceless. This is happiness. These are the moments that make you feel alive. I am looking at her talking, She’s telling us stories. When you hear her speak you can’t help but admire her. You feel lucky to have her as a family member. As a sister. A gift. The name I gave her since she was a little girl.

"New" me

It was a surprise. A very good surprise and I was so emotional. Emotional to see them because sometimes I miss the old me, the teamwork, the human connection. "Will they remember you when you are gone?" I always wondered and I couldn't be happier. But there is no old me and “new” me- it’s time, experience, growth. It’s life.

The question is why do I even care?

"Why do you even care?" she asked me. And she is right. I shouldn’t care. They say good morning at 3:30 PM, they come to work but play around, they go out for long breaks and drink while working. I am not. When I am working, I am working. There is no right or wrong way. The question is why do I even care?.

The possibilities I didn’t know exist.

It’s a madhouse. It is crowded, messy, and full of people. It is loud and sometimes I can't even hear myself thinking- but I have all the mornings to myself. And that is when the magic happens. Some days I will have my own place. My own table and peace of mind. But in the meantime, I should look at the benefits, the possibilities I didn’t know exist.

And I have plenty.

“You know my birthday is in two weeks?” I told her. She looked at me with her worried face. My career is not on top of her mind. She wants me to get married, have kids. But if you saw me lately, you could tell- I have never been happier. It’s not what I don’t have. It’s what I do have. And I have plenty.

Pick up the phone

I am hiding. Doing pants for unplanned shooting day is hiding. I am scared and that is me stalling. I will need to invest that money eventually- so way wait. I can't wait forever. Maybe going fast now would be a great idea. Like a bandaid. Doing it fast will make it go away sooner. Pick up the phone. Do those calls, and make the fear go away.

Those days

Those days are my favorites. The days I am trying different things. Touching different materials. Standing next to the cutting table. Thinking. Sketching. Sewing. Those days are the ones who bring me joy. Who makes me proud. The endless ideas and the process of implementing them- those are the days I am living for. Lucky me.

Focus on selling one, first.

You usually schedule a shooting day, chose your favorite photographer and model after you have inventory. I don’t. I have 50 shirts to sell and no manufacture. They say “it is too hard”. I know this is not the right way to run a business. But maybe there is no one right way. Maybe I shouldn’t think about selling plenty. Maybe I should focus on selling one, first.

I am here

I wondered how I would feel if no one will buy. But I am O.K. I know it’s not my audience. Putting your clothing rack in a random sale event doesn’t mean anything. I know it. But I am here, even though I didn’t feel like coming. Next time, I will know better. And be better.

I here, for the long run.

I haven’t sold anything yet, but I am here. Sitting next to my clothing rack feeling proud, proud for not giving up. Proud for believing In myself. A year ago it was just an idea, now it an actual product- and for that, I need to be proud. I am learning, I am watching, I am interacting- and they are all important. It is not just selling. There is no “just”. No “if only”. Reminding myself I here, for the long run.

Hiding.

I am up here, watching my clothes on the clothing rack. There are no people and I am hiding. Watching them from above. I watched people for a while, and run. Now, I am here, in my comfort zone, next to my computer and studio space but I need to be downstairs- next to my rack. Now.

Wish me luck

I am packing the gloves and headbands in a mini bag, thinking this is “shipping creative work”. Tomorrow you will see it and I am curious to hear what you have to say. I am looking forward to interact with you, see what you love the most and why. You don’t have to buy, just look. Look at my creative work. No compromising. This is exactly how I saw it in my dreams.

I will find a way.

It's been crazy trying to pull off everything for this last-minute sale but I am not giving up- I know I will do it the way I planned. And for that- I am proud. No matter what you think, no matter what you say- I know I will figure something out. Always.

Exactly how I imagined it

I am not wondering if people will buy it, I am not thinking about how I would feel if they won't. I am only thinking about the way it will look. Will it be exactly how I imagined it. Exactly how I saw it in my dreams.

I am here to listen.

This weekend my clothes will be out there. I will be able to tell you "look, I made this". It will be out there, waiting for your input, your observation, your burst of emotions. I might be hiding behind the clothing rack but please tell me what you think because- I am here to listen.

I know we can.

Everything comes from the brain. The emotion we have, the beliefs we gathered throughout the years, our thoughts. They all come from pictures we remember, old memories, and life experiences. Sometimes I wonder if we can break the pattern. If we can make the changes we didn’t see in our own eyes. I hope we can. I know we can.

I promise.

I will not sell it just because I have it. I will not sell it if I wouldn’t buy it myself. And don’t tell me "others do" because I am not "others". I will not take any shortcuts, I never did. I will sell you the best of me, if not- I will not sell at all. I promise.

Not going to give up

When you lose money, it hurts. I knew it would be hard for me to deal with, knowing it was my fault. The next day I took a white piece of paper and started writing. Plan B, C, and D were on that paper-and It made me feel better. There is always another way. I made it this far, I am not going to give up. I haven’t even started.

Tears are not going to help you, work will.

What can we do when we lose control. I haven’t slept for one minute, feeling my heart beating rapidly. I knew it could happen, I prepared myself for it, but experience it in real-time is hard. My tears are running through my face, but I am here. At work. And it is the best choice I could make today.

My fault only.

This is my fault. My fault only. I thought those two words "no-iron" were not necessary and yet today they cost me so much. I am sitting in bed, my hands are on my face and I waiting for someone to wake me up. Hoping it can be saved. And if not, I hope I could push through. Two words. One big mistake.

A day to remember.

It’s going to be here by tomorrow. And I can’t restrain my enthusiasm. Will I be pleased? Will it be as I saw it in my dream? Will I tear up while checking every one of them? I am sitting in my car now, smiling. Dreaming about a good day tomorrow. A day to remember.

Birthdays

I will be celebrating my 35th birthday in a month and I couldn’t be more at peace. I used to be scared by birthdays, ask myself if I am pleased with what I have got and what is missing. I will not be doing it this year. I am happy every day. With the things I have and those that are missing.

Believe they care

All the ifs were here, inside my head this weekend. What if it turns out bad? What if I couldn't sell it?. I want to trust them, but trust is a long term game. And I only just begun. I want to believe they care. That they put their mind into every piece, and high quality is their way of work. Don’t let the ifs get you distracted. Hope for great result, think positive. This is always better than the other option.

Be willing to pay it.

I know I will need to get help someday. I will need to trust someone else and welcome him into my world. There is no other choice. It's not a yes or no question. It is a necessity. I need to learn how to let go, in order to grow. I don’t have to, nothing is mandatory. But if you want to do it right, this is the price you have to pay. Be willing to pay it.

Different story

If you are in the fashion industry- you know it. It's a big building. You can see how this industry works just by looking at it. It's chaotic, messy, and fast Pace- just the way I like it. A year ago I was quiet, scared, and hesitant. I didn’t know what I was looking for, hoping someone will tell me. Today, it was a different story. I am different. And I couldn’t be more proud.

See you soon.

Where are you?. On my drives back home I think of you. Are you with your friends right now, wishing I was there with you. Are you having a good day hoping you had someone to share it with? I know you are out there, waiting for me. I am not sure where I will find you, but I know I will. See you soon.

Complete opposites

You think you know what people think about you, but you don’t always get it right. "To the coolest nerd we have ever met". They wrote me a letter on a paper bag full of candies. And that was my favorite sentence. Not the "don’t forget about us when you will get rich" or "don't forget those you worked with days and nights". You can be both things, even if they are the complete opposites.

Excitement

This yellow measuring ribbon is in my bag for more than two years now but I still can't believe it. I always thought I wasn’t brave enough but in reality- I was. I am. Hoping I will forever have that excitement. From every step, every milestone, every purchase. At the end of the day, this is why I am doing it for.

Think again

I said I wouldn't start anything else before I know I am on the right track. But I did. This is not me trying to prove something to someone, nor thinking it's a good idea to do it at the moment. But, it's bigger than me. I am not sure you will ever see it, but when I look at it I know I learned something I always wanted.

"Sounds better"

I no longer compare. Not to the old "me" nor my older status. Society may think it's better to work in a big company, but I chose this risk-taking road. For a very long time, I used to compare. Thinking what "sounds" better is better. Now I know titles don’t define me. It's the other way around.

Dear grandmother

I am watching her, through the kitchen window. She is lighting candles, praying for god. She had a hard life and yet, she never says "why me?". She is thankful, praying for her loved ones from the bottom of her heart. You could tell by the look on her face, by her facial expressions, she's grateful. With no questions asked. My hero.

A dream in a box

I put it all in a box. Long hours of work, a well-planned designs, unbelievable joy and effort- they were all in that box. Ninety pieces from the bottom of my heart were sent to manufacturing. Now they have it all and I have zero control. I explained all the details, sent a well-organized manual but I wouldn't know until I see it. In the meantime, I am imagining you ladies, sewing my dreams.

And I wouldn't want it any other way

It's madness. Every time I wake up in the morning, I can't believe I am actually doing it. That this is my life. The endless tasks and changes, the uncertainty, the doubt, and fear. The un-predicted future and overwhelming routine. I was born for it. And I wouldn't want it any other way. Lucky me.

Journey

On this special day I think about you. The people who made me smile when I had tears in my eyes. Who believed in me from day one and became my "team" in this lonely journey. And to so many people who without even knowing my name reached out with pure generosity looking to help. I know I am here because of you. Forever grateful.

Have it all.

When you double-check and "save yourself" a big mistake, are you thankful for a minute or rushing to the next thing? When you put your arm on your fabric on your way to work do you remember the days you were only dreaming about this life? Now, when the game is on, I am more scared than ever. The "what if" is hunting me. But when I see it, all packed and ready to go I know- I will have it all.

Pretend it is

If you see me, waiting in line to return something, you would probably wouldn't recognize my voice. I always feel anxious even though I paid for it and have every right. Practice doing things that are "not you" that's my answer. Pretend it is. It's easier to do the things that are "me" but I am going in the other direction, where the growth begins.

You don't need anyone to believe in you – but YOU.

I can't even explain in words how it makes me feel when I see it. There are 90 of them. 90 tops I have put my heart and soul in every curve line and every notch. You have never seen anything like that, and I am not sure you would even take a second look but all I can say is that it's exactly how I saw it in my dreams. I guess, in life, you don’t need anyone to believe in you – but YOU.

Smile forever

When you're celebrating something, do you think about all the things you have or what's missing? Will you smile even though everything around you is so messed up? Will you be mad if no one asks how are you when you're always asking. No matter what, you don’t need anyone's permission to smile, even if everyone else around you is wondering why.

Very happy.

It's late. I am at work and it's quiet. It's been a big day today but I didn’t lose it. I always knew I will figure it out but I loved the way I handled it. I stuck to my routine, doing what I always do. It's not me acting as if "I am never be pleased" this is me- thinking about the next step. Hoping, it will always be like that.

Deadline

"Work with a deadline," they said but I refused to listen. "When I will finish, I will finish" I answered. Needless to say, that word doesn’t exist in the business world. There is always something to improve, and we can always try a different approach. Don't hide. There will forever be endless choices to choose from. Now it's the time to choose and move on.

It hearts because- I care.

"You better go back working for a high-tech company" he said. I walked back to my office thinking how strong I am to not tear up. I even smiled on the way out saying to myself "another one to add to the non-supporters team"- but it hearts. It hearts even if I am stronger than I used to be. It hearts because I care. It heart because I really believe I have something good in my hands.

You better fall than hide

Sometimes I feel like I am going around in circles. It is scary. It's a big step towards the unknown but I know I can make it. I will fall but being in the hiding zone-is worse. You better fall than hide. If you fall it means you are doing progress. Hiding is standing in place. You can't lose there but you can't win either- and we didn’t come this far for that.

Only You

You are not your parents, not your friends nor your heroes. You are you. The one and only you. Even if for a minute, you may think you'll get the same outcome or copy the same behavior- think again. We have the ability to embrace new outlooks, adopt new behaviors, and routine. We can always improve our skills and work towards a better future. No one has the ability to dictate that- but you.

"I am already succeeding"

"I am already succeeding" I answered. "But don’t you want to buy things?" she asked. "I do, but I chose that road” I answered. The road of calculated mindset, modesty living, and awareness towards what is important and what isn't. Needless to say, I am feeling successful even if my bank account doesn’t show that, yet.

It is always better to think it will, than it won’t.

Can you commit to this long journey even if you don’t know what’s ahead? Do you say to yourself "everything is going to be O.K." even if there are no guarantees? Do you believe he is out there, waiting for you when you can’t even imagine it? No one can predict the future, but it is always better to think it will than it won’t.

We can all be better- together

We judge. We judge people by the way they walk, the way they talk, and almost everything else that we care about. We might see the world differently but instead of looking at the similarity along the differences, We seek to point the differences- Asking who is better. This is not a competition. We can all be better- together.

"Look like"

"You look sad", she said. Remember "look like" doesn’t mean anything. It is a picture people get by so many pieces of information. Most of them have nothing to do with you. So when It happens, remember it belongs to the person in front of you- not you.

Everything is a risk

There is always a risk. Everything is a risk. "The safe road is fiction not reality", I tell myself while trying to decide. Each one has it's own disadvantages. I can spread my sheet, looking down the pros and cons forever. None of them will be a safe bet. Because there is no safe bet.

Act as if

Sometimes you just need to pretend. This is not a lie nor a way to trick the person in front of you. This is life. Are you acting the same when you are at work as when you are at home? Are you talking to a customer as you talk to a supplier?. Sometimes I am not in the mood but a great achievement will be to act as if I do. Deliver the behavior expected. Because at the end of the day- It not only for others, it's for you too.

It’s lonely

It’s lonely. No matter the amount of satisfaction. No matter how eager you are to start your day, the feeling of pure happiness and endless growth- it’s lonely. It's about lifting your spirit up with kind words, to laugh when you want to cry, to be your own best friend despite your endless mistakes. I miss it, being part of a group. Working with a team, thinking together. Now, Keep going and never say never.

Maybe there is no “best way”

On Saturdays, I am trying to plan my weekly schedule hoping I will not waste any time making those decisions during the week. Just implementing. When trying to build my schedule, make it more productive, more organized, more efficient – I get overwhelmed. Maybe there is no “best way”. Maybe there are a few "best ways". Going through those options doesn’t promise you anything. Mistakes will come in every one of them. Decide and follow along.

Become better

Did you learn something new this week, something you didn’t know last week?. Did you do something that scares you? Did you manage to figure out how to solve a problem? To overcome a bad vibe?. Maybe you handled a conflict with confidence and grace? If you did, even one them. You did good. That is how you become better.

Maybe it is. Keep going

And now there are three. A year ago I bought my first roll of fabric. He was sitting next to me in my car and I was so emotional. For sticking to what I believe in, for making a decision and committing to it. For betting on myself. Today I drove to work with three. It doesn’t mean anything yet, I know. But maybe it is. Keep going.

Look up

It is raining right now, I am on the third floor next to a big window. My designs are spread on my favorite table and it is quiet. No one is here yet. I have my ice coffee in my hand, and I can see my car enjoying his free car wash by nurture. I guess you don’t need much to be happy. look up. Look outside. Sometimes that is all we need to be happy.

Wherever you go, they will follow

I am capable of making that design not because I have a big table at work. Stepping out of my house door in the morning doesn't mean I am more productive. Having a workplace addressee doesn’t mean you actually work. My mind, my soul, my spirit, my enthusiastic personality, my happiness. Those are the things that matter most. Wherever you go, they will follow. Don't let anything break you.

Change your path

They don’t answer. No deadline is being promised nor a proper explanation. When I started this journey, I wanted everything to be local. I wanted to feel the fabrics with my own hands, to choose the right people to work with, be involved in the process from start to finish. The other alternative is focusing on the design, send it via excel sheet to a place far away from here, and get the final product. I want it to be good. I want my customer to know he got the best I could give him. Even if it means I need to change my path.

Breath, nothing stays the same.

Sometimes I feel like I need to be the old version of me. The new me is a little bolder, says what she thinks, and doesn’t like everybody. Why does it feel like it's wrong? We grow up, we change, we involve- who says we need to stay the same. Breath, nothing stays the same.

Smile big

Saturday morning. I am in my car, driving to work. Listening to some music, drinking my ice coffee. I am happy. No one forced me to go to work today. I choose to go. This is not a fake happy trying to justify my decision or trying to prove something to anyone. This is real happiness. The one who makes you smile. Smile big.

More “room” for other things

No rethinking. When I started this journey I decided I am going to stick to some roles. One of them was committing to making a decision up until an accurate time and date. Once I made my decision, I am going to stick to it. No questions asked, no second thoughts, no rethinking. Now I have more “room” for other things.

One thing at a time

"Start with one thing, give it your all. Once it's out there succeeding, start something else". They all say it. I get it, it's better to give your all to one instead of giving parts of you to a couple. Even though I always say "who needs to sleep?" -it doesn’t work that way. Be focused. You can make baby steps in other things but make sure you are focused on one thing at a time.

The one who matters most

Sometimes I feel like I need a change of scenery. This is no high tech surroundings or facilities, this is low tech and the view will never be different. We are talking about physical work, long hours of standing, carrying heavy fabrics, activities that require you to be always on the go. This is not a place for high heel looks, good looking lounge, or a fancy coffee. So even if I miss it sometimes, I need to always remember the one who matters most: Do you have there the tools to bring your ideas to life?.

Laser focus

Laser focus. I wish every day was like that. A long list of tasks was in front of me this morning, now it is all marked as complete. No procrastination, no rescheduling, no excuses. All tasks were completed on time. I know I can't expect every day to be like that but how fantastic it feels when it does.

Pay the money.

When it comes to money, I get paralyzed. It's a complicated relationship we have since I was a little girl and I haven’t overcome it, yet. I will always look for a good bargain and rather do it myself than pay someone else. Unfortunately, your time does cost money and even if you can do it all- you shouldn’t. That is not how you build a business. Pay the money.

"You’re talented"

I got an email today. One lovely lady who watched the picture I posted yesterday, sent me this message "Hey!! Just wanted to say I love your designs. You’re talented". I was so happy, I wanted to write here about my hopes and dreams, my struggles, the uncertainty- but I didn’t. I told her she made my day but it was so much more than that. Thank you for your kind words, it may seem like a small gesture but it was so much more than that.

Think again

I posted one of my designs today. After 3 hours 2,800 people watched it. This is unbelievable. This aspect is necessary for every business these days and it's the one who scares me the most. I know it, I got proof and still- I am running away from it. Think again.

No pangs of conscience

Sometimes I wonder why can't I do it faster. I get mad when people ask me for how long I have been doing this and when is it going to be "ready". I am not going to hurry. Especially not now, and I don’t want to beat myself up for not doing it faster. Even if I could. What's done, is done. Look ahead, with no pangs of conscience.

Too comfortable?

It is too comfortable, and that is exactly why I need to leave. I love it there. It's been my second home for the past year. But all of the above doesn’t mean I should stay. Maybe there is another place I can call home? Maybe I will be happier? Maybe feeling comfortable means it’s time to move on.

"Beginner's luck"

“Beginner's luck,” she said and I smiled. Sometimes I get embarrassed by the question, “for how long have you been doing this for?”. It's been I while. A journey full of mistakes, trying different things, and non- stop learning. Now I am getting close, and I want everything to be ready “yesterday”. Needless to say, it doesn’t work that way. Life doesn’t work that way. But I guess sometimes those setbacks become a blessing. This time it saved me a lot of money. Just breath.

But "maybe it will"

I was very frustrated these past few weeks. Non-responding suppliers, Low lever performance, and no deadline commitment. I was confused. It's a big market, plenty of competition, middle of a world pandemic, and yet- not many are eager to take the job, and deliver as requested. why? Maybe instead of saying “it’s not worth it”, say “maybe it will”.

Just sit down.

I used to be paralyzed by them. Now they give me energy, more efficiency in my daily routine. I work better when the page is full. I guess we can change. We can change our mindset, habits, and character. All we need is to sit down. There is always something new to learn, something fascinating to investigate, something we can contribute. Just sit down.

Dream making table

I was so happy to be back. Working at my dream-making table. Back to my painted reality. So no matter you didn’t answer the phone for the third time, ignoring my emails, or disrespecting my work and effort - I am smiling. The most important thing is inside my head- and no one can take that away from me. I can figure out the rest.

Back to the office

Tomorrow I am going back. Back to the office. To my open space, my machines, my second home. One of my closest friends asked me “how can you work at home?” and I answered, “when you don’t have a choice- you find a way". And I did. I can’t tell what I missed the most, but just thinking about driving to work tomorrow- makes me smile.

Patience.

I dream about machines. Tools I need and can’t afford, tools that prevent me from moving forward at my pace. Being dependent on others in order to get the final result, is frustrating. But patience is the name of the game. Hoping someday I will get to see those machines, in real life. Patience.

No hoping, deciding.

It’s been a tough day yesterday. A big purchase that caused anxiety, a random text that got me overthinking, and a non- cooperative suppliers. I lost it. but I knew there is nothing to do except deciding tomorrow will be better. No hoping, deciding. And so it was.

Forever grateful.

I am working on my computer. Your voice is coming out of my phone but it feels like you are right here. Teaching me, as always. Sometimes I answer my own questions with your “voice” and words inside my head. Lucky me. You are my hero. My mentor from afar, and for that I am and forever will be- grateful.

Pushing towards justice

It's not about a contract, justice, or law- it’s about people. The only level that counts, the only level that really matters. I was waiting for it- and I lost it. I can keep on fighting, but you could tell by their reaction no law or signed contract bothered them, not even their own words. Pushing towards justice will cost you. The question is - are you willing to pay?.

My kind of heroes.

I could believe it. We texted a few times and I sent her a Semple- looking to see her work. Not only she didn’t want any money for it, she sent it back -paying for it. I was Speechless. No-fuss, no show. Nice gesture expecting nothing in return. My kind of heroes.

I can feel it.

I dream about my future team. I don’t want them to be perfect. I want them to be professional and kind. If I sent you an email, tell me you got it. If you have a better offer, let me know and organize accordingly. I am willing to pay more, but to the right people. People who care. And I will find them. I can feel it.

Set a date, decide, and move on.

I have postponed this task for a very long time. Designing my own logo was a work in progress. I didn’t trust anyone to do it but I couldn’t decide by myself. Yes, you want everything to be perfect. You want to be pleased with the end result but the logo, is not the actual product. It’s a symbol “sitting” on your garment. You might find something better with time, but this is not the answer. Set a date, decide, and move on. Done.

100% sure.

I am sure. 100% sure. I trust myself and I know I can do this. They will sell. I can feel it and I am already thinking about my next move. Rarely I get to think “what if?”- but sometimes I do. I know if it doesn’t work, I will think harder. Be better. Stay in your lane lady. No distractions needed.

There is always something you can do better.

“Did you finish?”. My mom asks me that question 10 times a day. She doesn’t know it a never-ending game. I sent my dream email today, 100 pieces of my heart and soul to one of my suppliers, and got another call about a bad execution of another one. There is no done. There is always something you can do better.

It’s here. And it's beautiful.

It’s here. A sample of my well planned, over-designed garment. It's in front of my face, the final product and I am happy. Very happy. Trying to stay focus on the result. Money or profit is not an issue at the moment. The final product is. Don’t let it distract you, we are not there yet.

Don't let it slip away

I remember that call as if it was yesterday. It was my first call introducing myself to my team in India. My computer didn’t work until the last minute, I had to book another office and there were so many people on that call- I was nerves. Someone asked me, "what can you tell us about yourself?" and I said, “I can sit for 10 hours in a row…”. They all laughed. Till this day I think it's my superpower. Don't let it slip away.

Another feature of being scared

I am almost there. Sending those four well-organized emails with my work for the past year. My designs, emotions, dedication, and hard work is there. It's been a long journey. Long journey of double-checking, “perfectionist” excuses, and "striving for perfection" aka hiding. In the last two days, I have been working at a different pace, slower. It's done. Send it already. The slow movement it another feature of being scared.

“Purpose-driven life”

“Purpose-driven life”, I wrote that on my wall of wisdom. It is in front of my face, next to my bad, it's my best view, my progress. I taped a big paper sheet on my wall on March 15th, when my bedroom became my office due to COVID. Now, this wall is full of notes, sentences, words who inspire me, make me think harder, and show me the progress I have made- Sometimes I can't believe it myself.

What do we care about?

On every news website, you can see the number of sick, hospitalized, and dead people. Unfortunately, you will see people going to the beach when they are infected, take a walk without a mask, and laugh at people who wear them. “It is not going to happen to me” is a well-known vibe but where is your humanity, your conscience. Knowing you can take someone’s life. If we don't care about this, what do we care about?

Problem-solving

“I could sleep all day” I told my little sister at the elevator after making a mistake that cost me a whole working day. she answered, “You know that is not true”. I know she is right. She is always right. It is a problem-solving journey. And that is the name of the game.

“If only?”

“If only?” is a bug I am trying to get rid of. It is unuseful, draining, and time-consuming. I love double checking, making sure the person in front of me got it, but sometimes it looks like I don't trust. Today the trust I gave cost me, not only money. There is no “if only?”. Take responsibility and move on.

Perfect medicine

I am trying not to cheat in my daily routine. I am not going physically to work but that is not a proper excuse. Even if I will be locked inside my room for a while- I will figure it out. Unfortunately, reality hits you in the face a few times a day. I hear the horror stories around the world, where the word “stop”, “years” “crisis” is everywhere- and if that is not overwhelming, I don’t know what is. Maybe it’s ok to live in a bubble for a while, and making progress sounds like a perfect medicine to me.

Lucky us.

“The internet will be your mentor,” I told myself 6 months ago, stepping out from a bad meeting. I started learning from my idols who became my heroes from afar. Listening, reflecting, writing, implementing, and I can feel it- in my thoughts, my routine, my productivity. There is so much to learn in this world- and it's only a click away. Lucky us.

kind heart

I am writing her a birthday card. No matter how many mind-blowing titles I will give her, she deserves so much more. There are no words to describe her. She is my baby sister, 14 years younger than me and a adore her. Her strong, focused character, her ambitious personality, and kind heart. I wish I could protect her forever, make her stay "small" and fearless, but life doesn’t work that way- I can just hope they will, because she really deserves it.

Fear

I became a computer freak, Who would have thought?. I have never been a computer fan, not at a young student nor as a high-tech company employee. I used to stick to what was expected of me- and that was it. Now, I am all about computers. Even writing this sentence makes me laugh. Things have changed, I have changed. I guess fear was a big part of it, but I have been working on it and you could tell.

No question

When I know there are so many small, boring, technical tasks- I just can’t get myself to sit down at the table. While looking for excuses why I don't have to sit down, I know if not today, it's going to wait for me till tomorrow- so why not do it today? I set down and accomplished all of my tasks for today. Tomorrow I will have another story, hoping sitting down will not be a question.

Expectations

“Keep in mind, have low expectations out of life" he said, and I can’t get it out of my mind. Dear friend, I will never have low expectations out of life or myself. LIFE now is beyond my wildest dreams- So I guess it is up to me. Make sure you look at the world through a student glasses. Always.

Don’t get infected.

“Breath, it’s the corona year" they say. What does it mean? I keep thinking. Does it mean you have an approval to slow down? A perfect excuse to postpone your progress? No matter how, no matter what, I will keep on pushing. No comparison or excuses are needed. We already know how it works in “excuses” land- Don’t get infected.

All you need is a will

“Someday” was today. We had a 3d printer at work for a year and every time I saw it, I was curious. But "someday" is usually never. We just "talked" about it. Today, I took it out of the closet, cleaned it, and two program downloads later- It worked. No "talking" is needed. You can learn anything these days. All you need is a will.

Do it all over again tomorrow

Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. knowing tomorrow, I will learn something new, test my limits, improve and grow my mental and professional capabilities. I will fail too and try again, as I did this past year. Sometimes I forget life wasn’t always like that. Thinking how lucky I am to go to bed knowing I will do it all over again tomorrow.

The future.

Sometimes those “small” thoughts hunt you. It can be a certain date, a certain feeling, a picture- and the emotions will follow. You are caught. Maybe we can choose a different path, after all, it belongs to the past. A past we can’t change, but focusing on the “big” thoughts. The future.

“Enjoying” the other things

Being home is hard for me. I need my morning routine, my schedule. I got used to the never-ending list of tasks and painful legs. To the consistent problem-solving mode and uncertainty. Now the hard part is “enjoying” the other things. Watching a movie, relaxing, daydreaming. Maybe that is exactly why I should do it more often.

Make sure you don’t waste it

The streets are empty. Restrictions and roles are everywhere. But the question is: Will you let it stop you?. Will this be the year you worked on “neutral” mode or will you be driven enough to find different solutions in a changing world. You will not get to live this year again, make sure you don’t waste it. Note to self.

It's a character

Round 2 of lockdown and I am home. Home with a long list of things I need to do, books I need to read, and problems I need to solve. I guess it's a character. Even if sometimes I wish I could be the person who chill and relax, put his over-thinker machine to a rest- I not there yet. Maybe one day.

Pleased.

Be flexible. This is something I am working on. I am a noncompromising, stubborn person whose second name should be “over thinker” but I am trying. In the meantime I am digesting better mistakes, picking up those have fabrics like an animal, a comedian to the ladies at the factory and even though I am in bed right now, barely feeling my legs, my head and heart are pleased. You got this.

Proud of you

She’s the youngest of four of us. She is the gift we got from our parents and she never ceases to amaze us. Life wasn’t easy for us and yet, she didn’t let it affect her dreams, determination, and ambitious personality. Today she celebrated a big milestone in the army. We couldn't be there, witnessing this moment of acknowledgment but we will forever salute you. Proud of you baby sister. Forever.

I will figure it out.

“Are you the same person as you were a year ago?” I don’t think I am. I mean, I have the same hair color, and I wear the same clothing style to work. I sit at the same table every day, park my car at the same streets but I am not the same person. I have learned how to overcome failure fast, how to embrace fear, how to mute outside noises, and most of all, I have learned that no matter what- I will figure it out.

Don't you forget it

Sometimes I wonder if this “happy” mood is me trying to justify the call to leave my job, was the right one. Because even if we did the wrong desition, will we be brave enough to admit it?. In my case, all you need is a glimpse of me driving to and from work. The singing, the smiling, the energy, the excitement, the chills, the shiny eyes. This is definitely what the right desition looks like. Don't you forget it.

The things that truly matter.

Resits. resumes .contracks. proof. I am always looking for it. As if it's the only way for us to digest information. I will through the name of the company I used to work for in a confrontation call because it “sounds better”. I will tell a story about my master's degree so you wouldn't think I am "just" a designer. We all know it doesn’t mean anything but we are still doing it daily. We shouldn't let what we think sounds better lead us, instead let's focus on the things that truly matter. Happiness.

Brave enough

"Who knew I will end up doing the things I love the most?" sometimes I think about it and smile. I was always in charge of goodbye toasts at work but never felt I will be brave enough to say goodbye. I had friends I loved, got good feedback for my work, and enjoyed all the benefits that come with working for a big high tech company. Now I am here, next to me is a guy who is doing accessories, someone throwing clay in the air, making high-level dishes, and a carpenter doing a colorful extraordinary benches. I guess dreams do come true. And YOU are brave enough.

My kind of story

I met him a few years ago. In one of the courses I took while working in a hi-tech company. He was young, talented, all dressed up in a skirt he designed- and I knew he was something special. A star. Now everyone knows what I knew years ago and I get emotional. Few years ago he sat next to me in class with a dream- and now he is living it. My kind of story.

Maybe it's for you

Will you call to say “happy birthday” to a friend you love? will you be the first to send a message during the holidays? Will you let kindness and care lead you the way?. What if they never do it for you? will you still be doing it?. The question is, Why are you really doing it? maybe it's for you.

It came after a lot of errors

I used to hear that piano jam after I finished school, when the library became my second home. I went there every day, exploring things. I started making bags and moved after a while to clothing. Through applying for different jobs, I discovered a whole world of tech in clothing- and now I am here. It didn’t come to me in a dream, it came after a lot of errors. Don’t you forget it.

Temporary Emotions

I can’t do it all by myself. And that is not the point. The point is finding the best people who are experts in their own field and walk together towards the vision. Because if each and every one of us will do a good job, We are on the right track. But where do I find them? “Don't Make a Permanent Decision Based on Temporary Emotions” -It is not easy, but I am learning.

Move on.

Maybe you need to do it in order to grow? Maybe you need it to think better? maybe you need it in order to feel the urge to “jump”?. Even If you feel like turning your back to the people you love the most. Now it's the time. No need to be sorry, nor feel like you need a “right” answer to the question "why"? You already have the answer. Move on.

Put the tired aside

“You need to put the tired aside”. Everything is planned. My schedule, my tasks, my goals. But there are things you can’t control. Like a sleepless night. You get up in the morning, feeing it is still yesterday. You can always try to trick him, pretending you had a good night sleep- put the "tired" aside. Today it worked.

They are not welcome here anymore

Saturday morning. I am at the office and a smile is all over my face. This whole 4-floor building is my kingdom and you could tell I was pleased. A long list of tasks is in front of me and the “self-talk” began. “You don’t have to do them all today”, “Maybe I will skip the gym today”, “You should wait for it to be straighten”. But the answer is- No. No waiting, no postponing, no excuses, and no stress is needed. You always get it all done anyway, so get rid of those useless noises at the beginning of the day. They are not welcome here anymore.

No one stops.

I got up today, knowing I am going to work, no matter what. One bad day doesn’t mean I am going to stop and wait until I will know I am fine. Healthy. No one stops. No matter what happens in life. In the meantime, you will find me here, doing what I love the most- hoping I will be here, doing it forever.

Happily ever after.

Suddenly everything seems different. You are not feeling well and waiting in line for your doctor appointment. In an unfamiliar environment, a foreign in a different culture city, feeling weak. We do not look alike, we have different beliefs, different mindset. Except our body, working the same way. No spare parts, Just hope. Hope to get older with our loved ones, hope to make our dreams come true. Hope to live happily ever after.

You may be surprised

She sent me a picture of a handwritten note I wrote her years ago and I got emotional. Every birthday, every special event, or just a random occasion at work– you could trust me to show up with a note. I left years ago, and seeing those notes, these memories made me feel good. When you move on to your next chapter in life, it doesn’t mean you can’t take your friends and memories along with you. You may be surprised.

That will make you smile.

I am ready to see it, with my own eyes. I am not thinking about the money or the advertisement. I am not thinking about the appearance of my online store or my target audience. All I want is to see it and be satisfied. To know in my heart, I am selling you a high-quality garment. Something you have never seen before, that will make you feel confident, sassy, and fabulous. That will make you smile.

Watch out.

Sometimes I make it harder, for nothing. A simple task like going to get some fabric, drop off designs for laser-cut will turn into a big, never-ending stories inside my head. I will start with a list a day before, I would think of endless problems- but in reality, it turns out easy and full of laughter. You just add yourself extra work for nothing. Watch out.

Smart questions

"Are you leaving already”?. I used to always give a “smart” answer. “I was here all weekend”, “I was the first person to enter the building". This is not a competition nor a place to let your ego answer back. I don’t need to share my schedule or commitment to my work to no one. I just wish you would ask me smart questions instead.

Sharing stories

Sometimes you share. You share because it makes you feel better. Because you trust the person in front of you. Because that is what friends are for. He had tears in his eyes, and I felt bad. Bad for telling him, bad for sharing what was not necessary. Those stories have no solution, no purpose. So as the act of sharing them.

No need to hurry.

I used to be in a constant hurry. Hurry to get back come. To take a shower. To plan my schedule for the next day. Now, I don’t feel in a hurry anymore. I am where I want to be. I saw my grandmother today, after work. Wanting her approval on one of the samples. Looking at her. The calm “me”. Enjoying this time, together. Realizing I used to rush the wrong things.

"That's o.k” is not a real answer. Anymore.

Could I choose better? Did I handle it properly? at what point during the day I was less productive? I used to ask myself these questions and give an immediate answer -“That is ok. One thing is better than nothing”. Now, it is not a proper answer. I have to point out the specific issue, think about it, and figure out how to prevent/overcome/ deal with it, for next time. “That's o.k” is not a real answer. Anymore.

Optimistic

“You will not be that optimistic in the future. It goes away when you get older”. A nice lady, from one of the government offices mentioned in our random call. She was nice, generous, and managed to give me a brief about her career, children, and marriage in a few minutes. “I was optimistic before I got married,” she said, her daughter was too- but not anymore. I am optimistic about life, about love, and my dreams. I feel bad you lost yours but hope I will never lose mine.

Or it’s just a great story I tell myself

“I need to think about it”, he said- and I was happy. He saw it, my ongoing stitch dilemma and he took some time to think about it. After all these years in the fashion industry, you could tell he was really trying to figure it out. Trying to give me a good answer – maybe it means I am really on to something or it’s just a great story I tell myself.

Lesson for next time

"It is not done until you see it in your own eyes". I prepared myself to not get too excited when I found someone willing to take this job. Today I went there. Asking the "small" questions in person, Not over the phone. And I didn't get the answers I was hoping for. Lucky me, I caught it on time- And got myself a lesson for next time.

Tell a better story.

We tell stories. We tell ourselves stories about our lives, about our future, about our surroundings. We can even feel the feelings in advance. But life doesn’t go that way. The stories we tell ourselves are based on things we hear, things we have learned from past experiences, things we imagine. No matter what your story is, you can always make another one. A Better one.

Give yourself another answer

I always wonder what they think when they see me at work on the weekends. Some come here for an hour, some come to pick up something they forgot but none of them come to work like me. Do they think I am crazy? Do they feel bad for me? Sometimes I wonder. Obviously, it doesn’t really matter, Nor do I really know what they really think. I mean, We are what we think other think of us- so give yourself another answer.

You learn.

When you are by yourself for so long. No team, no boss, no coworker- You learn. You learn about yourself, you learn how to change your mindset, how to calm yourself down, how to overcome a bad mood. You have to. There is no place for “bad day” or “another time”. There is only dealing with it- and moving on. Note to self.

Lessons will be learned no matter what you choose

I am sitting here, In front of a big table. Watching them. My babies. My designs. I know I shouldn’t call them like that, but I have been planning every one of them for so long- I can’t help it. I am looking at every single design and wonder if I can change anything, add something, or if I chose the right color. Maybe I can try harder. Make it better. Maybe there is more than one “right” option. Choose and move on. Lessons will be learned no matter what you choose.

Saying “no” to money

“I don’t want to do it anymore,” she said. “I thought I will be happy when the money will come, but I am not- so I am not going to do this anymore". I thought about it on my way back home. Saying “no” to money is hard but putting yourself first is smart. I am not there yet, but I hope- I will choose me first. Always.

Focused.

“I think I am going to take a day off”, he said. I don’t know what I would do with a day off, I thought to myself. I used to enjoy sitting with a friend for coffee but Now It feels like I need to be somewhere else. Get another step done. Maybe I am running away from other aspects of life- but I just now I need to be here right now. Focused.

Every day makes a better me

Give me a great fabric, a big table and a cool machine- and you will get the best me. When I stand next to the table, thinking about how to make the shape I have inside my head- that is the exact moment you will see me the happiest. Solving a mystery, thinking about the next move is what makes me alive. And no matter how scary it is sometimes, every day makes a better me.

And the answer is “Yes”

We have an answer. And the answer is “Yes”. I found them. And I couldn’t be happier. By the way he cleaned the machine before demonstrating what he thinks we should do with the “mystery stitch”- I knew I found my guy. I am going to pay a lot more than I planned but I know I will be able to sleep well at night. Or at least I hope so. Wish me luck ;)

Bold, after all.

“Your clothes are bold, noting like “you”” he said. He has one definition of bold in his head, and he can’t figure out how a workaholic, “nerd” like me is making “sassy clothes”. This is my interpretation of his “bold”. When I think of "bold", I don’t think I am bold enough. I was never a party girl, “no limits”, crazy kind of girl. Same word, two different meanings. But maybe being where I am today, makes me bold, after all.

You are the one to make that call

Friday night. I am on my way home from work. Smiling. I have solved a problem I had for a very long time. I had a productive day and you could tell I was pleased. But I could stop thinking “isn’t it weird?”, Working as usual on the weekends. And the answer should be ” No, it is not”- because you are the one to make that call. Move on.

I will always remember

This week was tough. No answer to my big question yet- but I was still able to see kindness and care without asking anything in return. And that was amazing. There are people who care, who want to see you succeed who will get out of their way to try and help- and that is something I will never forget. I will always remember the people who helped. With their words, smile, advice, or recommendation. No matter what, I will always remember.

Today, tomorrow and forever.

I want to get to the next chapter. To see it with my own eyes. Ready. On a happy customer or in a nicely packed package, ready to be shipped. I want to see people reactions. listen to people talking about it. Deep down, I want to make sure I am doing the best I can. Today, tomorrow and forever.

Choosing the “easy way” out

How come no one wants to take that job? How come people say “no” to money?. I know it’s not simple, it requires you to be focused, think differently and work with patience- but it's nothing unheard of. Maybe because you are scared to mess up, or because you rather do what you are already good at?. I know everyone wants to make money but I guess you rather do it by choosing the “easy way” out. I just wish you knew, different is always better.

Maybe "think harder" is not the answer

Will you consider compromising as losing? Will it make you feel like you haven’t tried enough?. I don’t like that word, but sometimes I feel like I am hiding behind those “unsolved questions” to earn more time, more trials, more groundwork. Maybe compromising is knowing you will start with X and figure something better as you go. Maybe "think harder" is not the answer. Maybe, "Start with what you have got" it's a good enough answer, for now.

Saying things out loud does make a difference

I am still on “the stitch mission”. I didn’t give up, yet. I know I will figure something out. In the meantime I am meeting people, spreading my “we must do the things we love the most” vibe, and it makes people smile. Today it was two young ladies. I could tell they needed to hear that today. Their eyes were wide open as I spoke about my journey and it made them feel better. It made me feel better too. I guess sometimes saying things out loud does make a difference.

Until I will get it right

“I wonder how you will deal with failure,” he said. And I laughed. I have tried so many things that have failed, and I still know another failure is waiting for me around the corner. His version of failing is “no one will buy it”, but I know there are people who would. And if not, it is another failure until I will get it right.

That is already a “win”

When I was younger, I always felt like I was missing something. I knew how to appreciate the things I loved the most but I was always looking to see what was on the other "sides". Now, I don’t care what there is on those “sides”. I am not in a hurry anymore, I choose where I want to be, and I don’t feel like I am “missing” anything. When you don't have anywhere else you rather be- that is already a “win”. Note to self.

What I always knew

What is it for? For the money? The fame? The freedom to choose my own path? To learn another degree “for fun”? To tell you "I made it"?. No. This is not for any of them. It is to prove myself, what I always knew I was capable of.

Calm

I am calm. No matter how long my days are, no matter how painful my body feels like after standing for more than 10 hours straight - I am calm. I know I will pass this obstacle. I am just trying to avoid this “beating myself up” habit for not dealing with it sooner. This is nothing but a distraction. Nothing good will come out of it. Next.

There are no guarantees

It is painful when you pay money and get nothing in return. You went with hope, you know exchange will happen but there is no promise. It is a bet. I love paying for advice worth the money, for a piece of clothing that makes me feel good, for a service that helped me achieve my goals but like everything in life “there are no guarantees”. Note to self.

More thinking

I was looking for one of my notebooks from school and I found a few of my diplomas. The one who puts a smile on my face is the one who taught me how to make my ideas into reality. My university diplomas are also there but they don’t mean that much to me. Maybe because we appreciate more the one which was harder, which felt challenging. The one which made you see your capabilities and strong character. One thing I know, I made more thinking this past couple of years than all my years at the university.

I don’t know when and where I will find it- but I am sure I will.

Someone said I should meet her. She is well known for her embroidery talent- and I was hoping she could help me. I set a list of questions a night before and wrote a “to-do list” in case she didn’t have an answer. It made a difference. I was less disappointed- because I knew what I needed to do next. I don’t know when and where I will find it- but I am sure I will.

After all it not another top

We were sitting at dinner yesterday night. Me and my younger brother and sister. I told them about the difficulties, the struggles, and the happiness. Even if it sounds like they can’t go together- for me, they do. But they wanted to know about the bottom line, "When will you see the money?"- and I didn’t have an answer. I get anxious when I have no answers, but I shouldn’t be. That is exactly why I am here. After all, it not another top.

I guess I am stronger than I think

I woke up today thinking if I should go to work today or not. Maybe taking a weekend off will be good for me. 10 minutes later I was dressed and ready to go. After all, I knew exactly why it was so hard. A lot of changes to make, big questions with no answers (yet), and a road longer than I thought. But I am here. And I am happy. I guess I am stronger than I think.

That is exactly why I shouldn’t stop

I am sick. After all, it been a tough week so I wasn’t surprised. I was laying in bad, knowing I will have to adopt some new habits, new characters in order to survive. I will have to take a chance on people, believing they are on my side because I can’t do it by myself. I need to invest my money and avoid overthinking. And remember, when things get tougher, that is exactly why I shouldn’t stop.

This has nothing to do with you

He was nice, kind, and polite. I talked a little and listened a lot. He was sharing his story. From having his own business to managing his parent's shop. It seems life wasn’t easy. “It is a tough world,” he said, worrying about me not having a plan B’. I sat in my car thinking “This has nothing to do with you. He was SAYING IT to himself. Reassuring he was making the right decision”.

Another day, another comment

“You should probably be working for someone, I don’t think it’s for you”. Another day, another comment from someone I don't even know. Sometimes I feel like it is doing me justice, as if I am getting extra energy from it. It shouldn't be like that. No comment, good or bad should impact my behavior. As my new dear friend Yoav said to me today “even if a million people will tell me I can’t I would still believe in myself. Remember there are billion people in the world”.

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