There are footprints on
the moon. I remember as a solider we always used to print, update and prepare all
the information at the office in case of emergency. We even acted like it is
around the corner - So once it occurs, we will be ready. How come we weren’t ready for
this I keep on asking myself- after all, there are footprints on the moon.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Monday, March 30, 2020
Just kindness
Two amazing gestures of pure kindness happened to me today. Two! One was in a form of a long, informative email and the other was a great
phone call. For free. No charge. Just kindness. Two strangers, professionals
who were willing to invest their time answering my long list of questions. I was
thinking about it a lot during the day. About doing, without expecting anything
in return.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Remember
“Do you remember?” I haven’t even woken up yet but my mom is ready
with a story. A story about the dress she is wearing, about the last trip to Italy
with my little sister and about grocery shopping for the last time. For her, it
is the life before and after. She is already announced she will not go traveling
the world anymore, she will not go to restaurants or shopping at the mall. Dear
mom, I don’t know everything in life but I do know this- You will definitely go
to the mall. I don’t know when but you will do all the things you love. Remember.
Saturday, March 28, 2020
Recalculating our steps
Me and my mom took a short walk today around the block. It was so
great to be out there, breathing
again but every time we saw someone walking toward us we changed our direction. Instead of walking towards people you run away from them. I wish recalculating our steps was the only thing we needed to do. I guess it is just one of them, for now.
Friday, March 27, 2020
In it together
“We are in it together” is a sentence you hear a lot. It is all
over the news but what does it mean. For some it means “you shouldn’t feel FOMO
since we are all stuck at home”. It should be in a way of caring for one
another, taking responsibility, initiative to be a better thinker for a better future.
Better.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Ranting
We share the same grandmother. Not in real life but inside my head.
She is in L.A and I am here. We talked today wondering what would grandmother had to say about our current epidemic. As people recommend not watching the
news, we tried not to talk about the news. Ranting will not get us anywhere
right now. Laughter will. Note to self..
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Not tomorrow. Today.
I was brushing my teeth this morning felling I need to hurry. There are so many things I can do. So many options for free courses and free trials. You know me, I am a freak of free things but I feel like I have neglected the tough things and that is not the point. There will always be things to learn, always. Now I need to focus on doing the hardest, uncomfortable, unfamiliar. Not tomorrow. Today.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Hopeful
I couldn’t sleep last night. I was thinking about you, women in Africa.
I don’t know you ladies but I know you are out there. Raising your family and working
hard. For you, survival mood is not for a period of time, it is for a lifetime.
How will you make it? Will you stay optimistic as you are? No
matter how hard it is, I am hoping you will forever be hopeful because there is
no other way. Love, C’.
Monday, March 23, 2020
“Normal life”
"You are not going to
hag me anymore”? she asked me over the phone today. She is a friend from
school. Smart, funny, a very good person. Every phone call is like a party. She
is waiting for it to be over, so we could hag again. Get back to “normal life”.
I wish I could feel the same. I don’t think it will ever be the same. We will
go to work, we will buy clothes and we will hang out with
friends but this cloud of fear will
always follow.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
We always compare
One of my favorite professors told us this story once. A story about an old couple going on vacation having the time of their lives. Once they heard the couple next door got a better deal, the vacation was over. But way? Because we always compare. I thought about it this morning, trying to push myself into the “getting dressed” routine. Knowing that is way it is so hard to do it right now.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Be selfless
I am here. Sitting in my room. Working. Hearing children laughing outside, walking to the park with their parents, wondering why. Didn’t you hear the news, don’t you care?. In war, we are supporting one another, standing together facing the enemy. Why don’t we act the same now?. Don’t look for excuses. It is not the time to take out the democracy card. Act with humanity, be selfless. We are talking about life.
Friday, March 20, 2020
Mindset
I was at the office last friday. Completely different mood, a whole other mindset. It’s been only a week but it definitely feels like a whole year. I have reorganized my room, made it more comfortable because no matter what, indoors or outdoors- we need to move forward. I will set up my alarm clock, I will get dressed, I will have a schedule because staying in my pajamas and watching the news is the easy choice to make- and who want’s that.
Thursday, March 19, 2020
"The day after"
Everyone is talking about “the day after”. The day life will be
back to “normal”. All you can hear on the news is “going back to the known”, the
usual, as we are familiar with. I don’t want to go back to “normal” -I want
better. I want improvement. I want a lesson learned for a better future. Note to self.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
The positive one
It feels like a dream. A bad one. If someone would have told me that one day people all over the world will be asked to stay indoors- I would have laughed, those things happen only in the movies, isn’t it? sadly, it is our current reality. Reality can be something you never thought could have happened or something you never thought you are capable of. Maybe those days are meant to look at the other direction too. The positive one.
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Human nature
We always start with us. Digesting and simultaneously Preparing our alternative plans. I guess it is human nature. No matter how frustrating it is, no matter how uncomfortable it’s walking towards the unknown - If we are healthy, we have it all. Remember that.
Change
I was home today. The panic was everywhere and I decided to stay in. Not long after making that call- I went to the pharmacy. The line was long and the amount of patient was zero. A lady, wearing mask, stood at the entrance asking if I am coughing while sanitizing my hands. The pharmacy looked completely different than last week and all I could think of is we adjust fast. I guess, when you don’t have a choice you adjust quickly to change- but to make one takes us a lot longer- If at all.
Monday, March 16, 2020
The sun will shine
You could feel it in the air. The streets were empty and the quite was so loud. People are scared. I am scared too. In 24 hours, no one will be allowed to go outside. The sun will shine but people will stay still. I wonder how will that go.
Test and overome
“You have no fear” said one of the open space guys. I was smiling. I guess I have learned how to live with the fear. I don’t have a mortgage or children to feed but still. As I am walking towards the unknown the fear is definitely here but HEY- What are we here for, If not to test and overcome.
Professional
I had a skype call today but I wasn’t feeling
very well. I could barely change my clothes but I said to myself “be
professional”. I have changed to one of my tops, put some lipstick and said to
myself “the show must go on”. Postponing is easy but not recommended if
possible. Standing in my obligations says a lot about who I am and I should
stick to it- Always.
Exactly the same but different
I went there again today. Back to school. If you
saw a woman smiling while driving this morning- It was me. I sat in class
today. Same class, different students. Same teacher, different year. It felt
exactly the same but also very different. Life.
Hope
I drove to school today. I called one of my
teachers yesterday asking for help and she said “Yes”. I immediately felt at
home. Exactly how I felt I year ago. I don’t think anyone in my class felt that
way. For me it was a year of challenges and bliss. Just the way I like it. On
my way out one of the students asked me “Are you still doing it?” I said “of
course”. I had hope as a student and I have hope now. I guess it is a necessary
part of this journey.
Just doing
They had a party today at work. I didn’t want
to go at first. It is not my vibe, it is not my crew, it is not me. That is
exactly why I went. I promised myself I will do at least one scary thing a day.
Without over thinking, without pros and cons, without before and after. Just
doing.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Growing
I have decided to invest in myself. I mean, who will invest in me if I will not do the same? I invest money on pleasure, I invest money for a fit looking body- now I am going to invest money on my mind. I need to look at that as a long term investment. I am trying to save money not spend it but I have to start letting go. It is part of me- growing.
Lucky me
I was 19, a soldier in the army. I
had a dream and he was the only one who believed in me. He was my commander. He
is kind, smart, a people person. Everyone loves him. I was lucky, I had a
chance to learn from the best. A proof it is not the role but the people. He
celebrated his birthday a few days ago. He is a father of three now and till
this day I feel blessed to call him my friend. He is one of the people
who made me who I am today. Lucky me.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Battles
A woke up with a headache. That Is
the way I am. I was mad yesterday and today I woke up feeling it in my body. I
went to the gym trying to trick my body, but by the time I got home I was
feeling worse. I guess, even if you are trying hard you can’t trick him. He
knows you. I need to choose my battles more carefully- this one was not worth
it.
Confrontation
Confrontation isn’t my thing. It
doesn’t make me feel good at the moment, it doesn’t make me feel better
afterwards and It’s time-consuming for a long time afterwards. Sometimes it is
inevitable. You keep quiet, you make your pros and cons but in the end it finds
his way out. Usually not the way I planned. It doesn’t matter if I am right,
what matters is how long I will be thinking about it afterwards.
Friday, March 13, 2020
Smile forever
I am smiling. I started the day
with a phone call asking for advice. She knows the fashion industry- she was
surprised I was still doing it. Most of the girls in my class gave up, “you
know, It is a hard industry” she said. I was thankful and still smiling. An
hour later, another member of the open space needed to tell me how he lost “A
lot” of money on his first clothing line, making sure I know how much money I
will need to invest. You guessed it right, “A lot”. But I am still smiling. I
wish, I hope, I know I will have that smile forever.
I miss “HER”
“This is so you!” she said while
watching me sewing this leopard jackets with brown color Faux fur-But believe
me, she never saw me wearing something like that- Ever!. I am basically going
to work with the outfit I was wearing for bed. It is basic, simple and comfortable.
Nothing that go along with high heel boots, tight top and skinny jeans- but I
was so happy she said that. Saw the real me. Even though I feel I miss “HER” most
of the time.
A good feeling
She was so nice, so friendly and so
“straight forward”. She knows how the fashion industry works and she was
willing to talk. Willing to invest her time and share her thoughts for free. By
the end of the day I was willing to do anything for her. Not because of what
she said but because of what she made me feel, asking nothing in return. A good
feeling- That is what this game is all about.
Open my heart
I need help but I just can’t trust
anyone. I had a few meetings with mentors who were not successful so I said-
the internet will be my mentor. It doesn’t mean I am not going to make any
mistakes but maybe I will be able to skip a few of them. Today I got another
call, I was hesitant. You could hear it in my voice. He said, “let’s work!” and
I decided to give him a chance- Knowing I will need to open my heart, some day,
in every aspect in life.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Stop dwelling
Being your own boss is not easy. I
am constantly mad at myself. I always feel like I can do more. Even if I did
good- I am already on my next challenge. I don’t stop. Not even for saying
something like “good job”. Since I am always on a work mood, days off became
something I don’t know how to deal with. Everyone is on a day off today- it is
Saturday. If I made up my mind, I shouldn’t dwell. Make that day a good day.
Stop dwelling.
Make a choice
I am confused. It is Friday. I am
at work. Will it be custom made or not? will I choose the common way, the
“secure” way, the competitive one or I will be brave enough to choose
the difficult path, the unique one, the scary one. I don’t know yet
but I do know- I need to decide. Make a choice, commit and move on.
Thinking about it will not take me anywhere- choosing will.
"Free"
Free. Free is my thing. Free
parking, free consulting, free gifts- But free has a price. I got accepted to
this program who helps young designers. Free help, I have learned- is not
really free. The consulted was not at the level I expected and the time I
invested was too long. Time for transportation, time for the meeting itself,
time you spend digesting the information you have got. If I don’t get to learn
something meaningful- then it is not for me. It is not free- I have paid for
it, with my time.
It is a lesson
I got an offer. A wedding dress for
a pregnant lady who is getting married in two months. I didn’t do any wedding
dresses, yet. They are just not my thing. I am all about tight, custom and
ready-to-wear clothing. You already know me, I only “sew my dreams” but since
that call, I feel confused. I don’t feel like doing it but what I really want
to know- is why. I shouldn’t do it for the money and not for the connections. I
shouldn’t do it because I am scared. I should do it because no matter what, it
is a lesson.
Wear your best today
Today I wore one of my creations.
It was a blue and black laser cutting design top. I wore it with dark blue
jeans, mini black bag and black high heel boots. I always feel like special
clothes are for special occasions. Saving for a special event, special guy,
special mood is my way of thinking. But, I shouldn’t. Today is a special
occasion. Every day is a special occasion. Don’t keep it, use it. Wear your
best today, for you. Not for anyone else.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Happy for her
“Will it make them feel amazing?”
I tend to ask myself while designing the clothes that make me smile and get
excited. Every time I get to see one of my pieces on the Mannequin- I smile.
More than anything I am grateful I get to do this every day. I close my eyes
and I see her. My client. She loves the way it makes her feel. She is going to
meet her friends for coffee, she knows everyone is looking at her. She is
confident, she doesn’t care if they do. She is happy. Enjoying life- And I am
so happy for her.
Move on
Sometimes I feel I am waiting.
Waiting for a mentor, waiting for a recommendation or a piece of information.
Deep down I know, I don’t really need to wait. I need to move forward. I need
to put a deadline and stick to it. I already know the answers to the questions
I have got. Now I need to test it. If a mentor will come and teach me something
new- I will be here to listen and learn but for now- the internet can be my
mentor. Move on.
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Books
I was sitting at the library
today. Thinking about all the days I used to spend there when I was young. I
always joke with the librarian, there is no name written in the black
registration book more than mine. Books weren’t my thing. I came for the quiet. To focus. Something I couldn’t do at home. Throughout my university
degrees I came there to study but never to read. I read only what I needed.
now, I am obsessed. All I want is to read.
Choose me first. Always.
Family issues. It is never going to
end and it will always makes me feel weaker. Those days will forever make me
question. Nothing in my life is stable- but will It ever be. Every day is a
step forward but there is no guarantee. I am working but I don’t know if it
will work out. I just know I need to mind my own business and always
choose me first. Always.
Best behavior
For two night in a row this week, I
went to my grandmother after work. Her sawing machine broke and she wanted me
to look at that. Luckily, I was able to fix it but I was tired, angry and
frustrated. Will I act that way to my customer? Never. So why did I act that
way? Maybe because we know those people will love us no matter what. I know I
am human but still. If we didn’t try to be in our best behavior to our loved
ones- the rest doesn’t really matter.
Being an employee
“If you were an employee- You would have stayed home for a few
days”. It was raining today, I fell while walking down the street and hit my
elbow. I felt it was getting more and more painful on my way home- but my mom needed
to say it out loud. I don’t need no rest. I don’t need anyone to remind me the
benefits of being an employee because I know- and I choose not to be.
People game. Not fashion.
I realized; I need to thank them. You questioning me makes me
think even harder. Me listening is always better than talking. I don’t need to
proof anything to anyone but I do need to listen to people. This is a people
game dear. Not fashion.
Monday, March 9, 2020
Put it on mute
As I lean forward more, I tend to get more and more scared. The
risk is getting higher. Now I have to say it out load. I can’t hide under the
“student” status anymore and I don’t want to. “Will you still be here
tomorrow?” I ask myself and the answer is “Yes!” So what is that noise about?.
Put it on mute.
Thank you, next.
No, you didn’t make me question myself. I am not going to let you.
Even though you said you will not wear it, even though you said it looks
complicated- I need to remind myself, it is only the beginning. There will be
plenty of people who will say the same. It is only up to me how I deal with it
and to be honest, I don’t have the time to even think about it. Thank you,
next.
Without looking back
No one can assure you anything. I don’t need anyone to do so. I
know I will do it anyway. I am all in on this. I have invested so much time and
effort but now I have to put more money. Even though your time is money. It
feels different. Would you risk your money for your dream?. I know and I am
doing it. Without looking back.
Do you think about love?
I wonder where you are right now. Do you think about love?. Do you
care?. We haven’t met yet but I know you are out there. You are smart, humble
and kind. You are walking up the stairs and I walk towards you and smile. I
know some day it will happen. I am not going to give up that thought. Not on
Valentine’s Day.
Make me feel
I always tell them I will bake them a cake when I will make it. I
go there to buy the best fabrics, ask questions and mostly laugh. They became
my friends and family. Today, I made them a cake. I didn’t make it yet, didn’t
even start to sell but the cake is for what they make me feel when I go there.
They make me feel I already made it.
Sunday, March 8, 2020
Saturday, March 7, 2020
Look amazing
Some day women will wear only custom made clothes. You will not
wear something that doesn’t fit you perfectly or look like anyone else. You
wouldn’t want to. We will run after one of a kind but, we will forever want to
look amazing and wish people would tell us that. We will forever want to talk
about it, too.
No judgment
“I am waiting for the days my friends will be able to watch
me and envy” he said. It is not my goal I replied but he couldn’t understand. I
explained my only wish at the moment is to live out of my dream. I love
working. I choose to be here on the weekends. I wish in a year from now I will
still be here. Working even harder. Everyone has his own dream. No
judgment.
Mind blowing
Mind blowing. When you google my brand name- You will see it and
It is amazing. I haven’t sold anything yet nor watched someone wear it, but it
is out there. It is out there to be watched by others and I am so happy. One
top at a time I once said- and now it is more than one. No matter what happens,
it is out there and I will forever be grateful.
"All you need is one"
"All you need is one". That is what
I told her when she came for a visit. I told her she shouldn’t give up so easy,
that she should keep on going until he shows up. That we should always act for
a better tomorrow. I am very good at giving advice. Needless to say I deleted
the app that night.
I would care but less than I used to be
I used to care. What do people say and think about me. Will I meet
someone from the past while I am in sweats, on my way to
the gym. Will you see me at the library wondering what am I doing there? Will
you see me waiting for the bus, wondering how come a gave up an amazing role in
hi-tech company for a dream with a risk? No matter when you will see me, no
matter what you will say, I would care- But less than I used to be.
Wide open
I had that look on my face once. I remember how it feels to be
overwhelmed. How it is to stare at your email inbox, knowing you will be
working on the weekend too. I was there once but now, I am on a different path.
I no longer have that look on my face. My eyes are wide open non- And I am so
grateful for that.
Peanuts
Peanuts. I don’t like peanuts, but I tend to use that word a lot
lately. There are million things a day that frighten me but I keep on reminding
myself- It is peanuts. Bureaucracy? Penates! a decision to make? Peanuts. If
you can solve it- it is Peanuts. I think about it and keep on going. Did I mention
I bought a peanut necklace to remind myself what I already know?!
Just judgment
“Don’t you spill that?” My neighbor asked me at the elevator,
looking at my coffee. No good morning, no smile- just judgment. I thought about
that the whole way, driving to work. Why did she asked that question. Was she
curious? Was she trying to start a conversation? Maybe I am just over
thinking but I could think of a million other ways to start the morning- With a
smile.
Open for changes
For so long I have been here by myself. Working
alone. I am used to the quiet, to my favorite corner, to my view. It is an open
space. It is not mine and people are starting to come. Even though I get
protective over my staff, my ideas, my space- I am happy. I think it is going
to be good for me. I am open to changes. Until someone will touch my scissors
Friday, March 6, 2020
Yet.
"Why are you looking at the inside?” my mom keeps asking me.
Whenever I touch a piece of clothing at the mall I tend to check the sawing
technique from the inside. Is it perfect from the inside as it is from the
outside? “people are not looking at that!” she keeps on saying. I do care. It
is important to me. But sometimes I think It is just an excuse to why I am not
ready to ship. Yet.
How can it be?
I see her every night. Standing at the same spot. On the road. She
is asking for money, barely wearing anything, sometimes even barefoot. Her eyes
are half closed, she can’t walk and I feel for her. A lot. You can buy a fancy
meal at the corner and she is here- trying to survive. How can it be?
Focused
Focused. When I
start my day, I make notes. Lots of notes makes me freak. I jump from one thing
to another and get zero done. I can’t miss any of them because it is all
written down- but I still jump. I trick myself saying “ this one is small” but
“small” is time consuming and not really affective. You are not a fish C, move
from one thing to another and breath in-between. Everything will wait for you.
Obviously.
Thursday, March 5, 2020
Wireless
Wireless for 24 hours and let me tell
you, it wasn’t easy. They were trying to save my phone and I was lost. Even
though I didn’t feel that attached to phone- I missed it. It was nerve-racking
and I felt helpless. How come a small object like that can affect so many
emotions? I thought about “the old days” when we didn’t have them- And managed
to live successfully without them. Now it feels impossible.
A moment
I am a champ with it comes to schedule my
day. How to make the most out of it so at night when I lay in bad, I would know
and feel today was a productive day. And then, in the middle of the day, I
dropped my phone. In the toilet. I laughed. The old me was supposed to cry. Now
I need to reorganize my well scheduled day. A moment. That is all it takes.
Breath.
I thought I could- and I did
“You are not going to make it” he said.
While I am trying to park my car at a free parking spot. Yes, he is older than
me. Yes, his car is similar to main and his friend confirmed he was right- But
I thought I could. I stopped for a moment BUT kept on trying. I thought I
could- and I did.
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Quiet
Quiet. I don’t have a lot of it in my life
these days. I tend to do two things at the same time. Drive while making calls,
work while listening to podcasts, workout while organizing my schedule for the next
day. Last week I tried to work without listening, walk without texting. I
looked ahead- And noticed things a haven’t noticed before. I should do it more
often.
"You should"
“If it doesn’t work,
you should…” he said. I don’t even know him and even if I did- why would you
even start a sentence like that. What about saying “keep on going” or “I admire
you work ethic”. Make me smile, say something light, don’t put your
frustrations and insecurities on me- I am fighting my own.
Monday, March 2, 2020
Loneliness
Loneliness. It is an accurate definition
of what I feel. Soon it will be 8 months since “the best year ever” ended. Now
I am here, open space for designers and it is nothing like a hi-tech company. I
remember I used to stay after work and hang out with my friend, taking without
looking at the watch, without feeling needless up my ass. Now, it is different.
I am working- and it is all on me- But I don’t feel it is a sacrifice. I don’t
compare anymore. I have already made my choice- and I am working on it.
Decide and stick to it
Friday morning. Starting my day at the
gym. Thinking if today is a good day to be going to work. In other words,
trying to make a well explained excuses to way I shouldn’t. Usually I am going,
so way should today be any different. The whole workout I was thinking if I
should go or not. I was thinking about it on the way too. So much energy
invested, preventing me to concentrate in the moment. Decide and stick to it,
it is not a big decision after all.
Expectations
“A miracle happened today, mom”. She
opened her eyes wide and looked at me in expectation, hoping I am going to tell
her I met him. An opportunity at work. I don’t need to carry your expectations
I can barely handle my own.
It was bigger than me
I used to make bags for my friends
in high school. I remember how it felt to see my creation been carried by
others. I was 18 and I knew this is what I wanted to do in life- But I was
scared. I wasn’t brave enough to follow my dreams. A degree after a degree and
a “normal job” Immediately after- But I guess it was bigger than me. Because I
am here today.
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Pay for peace of mind or fight for justice
I don’t like to argue but I don’t like
been fooled either. I had proof but no one listened- And I gave up. I wanted
this opportunity and so I paid- I could argue, I could threaten, I could make a
few more calls but- What would be the price. Sleepless nights, stress and
constant thinking? Should I pay for peace of mind or fight, in all cause, for
justice?
I guess we see what we are looking for
People do care, people do listen and
there are good people around us- even though something I question it. A nice lady
offering clothes to one of the guys cleaning the street corner. A young man
bringing food to a homeless guy- Those nice gestures made me feel good, hopeful
and smile. I guess we see what we are looking for.
Work with what I have got
I broke my phone, my computer needs a fix
but I am trying to learn how to manage with the things I have got. I mean, I can
buy another computer and a brand new phone but I don’t have to. If I can learn
how to work with what I have got- I will always be OK.
Working on the weekends
I love working on the weekend. Usually, I
am here by myself. I have the whole space to myself; it is quiet, I can put some
music out load, I can drink both coffee and tea at the same time. But I think
it is mostly because I am doing progress while others are not. For now.
It is not where you sit- It’s with whom
It is not where you sit- It’s with whom.
We used to sit next to each other in school for a whole year. She is 10 years
younger than me but smarter. My little baby sister. We were sitting on a bench
in the middle of nowhere, laughing, reminiscing and all I could think of was-
It doesn’t matter where you sit, it’s with whom. A good company, who uplifts
you, who educates you and makes you smile- that is what friendship is all
about. And it is priceless.
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