"They only care about money"

“They don’t care. They only care about the money” he said. If I’ll have it one day I hope I’ll still care. I hope I will still listen, be sensitive and patient- as I am today. When I go to bed at night I want to sleep well, knowing I didn’t play anyone's feelings, didn’t betray anyone trust for my benefits- because we have nothing if we don’t have trust. You will probably sleep well tonight but I wonder where will you be in a year from now. Good night.

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It is the mood who takes over

You could tell if I had a bad day. I have a schedule, standing at the corner of my table. If I am behind, I am mad. It is not the “failing part” that harts, it is the mood who takes over my whole day. You make a pattern for four hours and put it in the trash in a second. You make a wrong decision that cost you in another workday. It is all on me and it is a call you can’t predict in advance. I just wish I knew how to uplift my mood as if it was “another lesson in life”- as I know it is.

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We can do it. we can do it all.

We move on for sadness to joy. From memorial to independence. From coping with death to choosing life in a moment. If we were able to do it for a lifetime, we can do now. We can do it all. We cling to happy moments and for a minute, we smile. Even from the most simple things in life. Like a performance of your favorite singer on Tv or hearing the fireworks who symbolize normality in an upside-down world. We can do it. we can do it all.

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“life goes on”

“life goes on” they say. They lost their loved ones, their sons, fathers, daughter and found a why do live along said bereavement. Today we standstill. Thinking about them hearing their stories, the legacy that keeps ongoing. knowing death is part of life is hard to digest. Today and every day we salute you. We are going to bed at night, feeling safe because of those heroes who with their lives kept us safe.

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Risks

I was there today. My happy place. Every time I go there it feels like home. Today it didn’t. Everything was the same. The same fabrics, same people l love, same vibe but It felt different. Maybe because I am not looking through the same eyes. They know every step forward in business is a risk in health.

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Back then, today and forever

She is smiling with her eyes. I remember the first time I heard her story. I was a commander in the army, 20 years old. She came to our basis, shared her hope and love for the young generation. She lost her son while he was serving our country and we were amazed by her smile, strength, and motivation to lead others. Four years later she lost another child during a war. Today I saw her at the news saying “the coronavirus may distance us from people but it shouldn’t close our hearts”. There are people you just can’t find words describing them. You just know they impacted you with their words. Back then, today and forever. 

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Who said different can’t be better

This is me. Walking on walls.
I designed it for a friend’s wedding.
It was supposed to be a fairytale wedding.
but then reality hit us.
“As long as you have the prince” I said.
Because that's the point anyway.
We will celebrate, we will dance, we will
enjoy life. Maybe it will be different-
but who said different can’t be better.

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First impression

We met her today for the first time. My brother’s girlfriend. In the old world, we would probably meet her all dressed up in a restaurant but in our current world we met her for a short walk around the block, keeping 6 feet apart, wearing pajamas and masks. The first impression wasn’t working for us today. Since I didn't exercise this whole time, walking and talking was too hard for me, and believe me, I love talking. I was smiling with no audience and screaming because who can hear you with a mask on. Let's not forget seeing is also an issue since the only thing I saw this past 5 weeks is my block and my mom.

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Taken for granted

This will be my 5th week at home and today was my first Zoom Call. Unbelievable. luckily a smart guy was leading this call and I was blown away. By him, by this reality and by the power of technology. I was looking through my window, sharing knowledge with 70 other people, in a world where it is dangerous to walk around people. Thank god for technology. You shouldn’t be taken for granted, nor anything else I have ever taken for granted. 

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Trying not to listen

My body is screaming but I am trying not to listen. I can’t workout at home. It is not big enough but still, I can make an effort. I can adjust myself as I did in other fields. Every couple of days something else is painful and I know it’s because my body is mad at me. We all know working out is important, not long ago I went to the gym even though I was tired, so why can’t I do it now? Maybe because now I have plenty of excuses to choose from. 

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Dear grandmother

I am thinking of you today and every day. I met her when I was 20 years old. She is my friend’s grandmother but the minute I met her on my L.A trip she became my grandmother too. She welcomed me into her house and heart from day one, no questions just love. She met her husband after the war and they had a clothing store which they both loved. By looking at her you could tell fashion was her passion. Wondering if she can see me now, sawing my dreams. Love you grandmother. Always.

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“keep unique outfits for unique occasions”

I have this “keep unique outfits for unique occasions” mentality. I guess I inherited it from my mom. Since I was a little girl I remember saving my favorite clothes for special occasions. This means you wear clothes for others and not for you. I thought about it today. I have this big white paper on my wall, where I write important keywords, progress, business-related things but the middle is empty. I am saving the middle for important “things” even though I know every single word is important. I should wear my favorite clothes today- for me, Because today is special and so is tomorrow.

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keep going

I don’t want to take “another picture”, We have enough pictures. I want to make something new, mind blowing, unique, as perfect as possible- and that is exactly the problem. There is no perfect. Not a perfect picture nor a perfect stitch. It is all excuses. I can sit in front of my computer for hours, designing and sketching but this aspect is harder. Hard is the name of the game, You suppose to know that by now- just keep going. 

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Sets of behavior

This place is always crowded, you would probably be waiting in line if you wish to go there, especially on Fridays. You will go there for good food and attention. Today it was empty with a sign on the door, ordering you to knock and wait patiently to your order. The hostess handed the guy in front of me his bag but he requested to put it on the ground, another lady was too afraid to get out of the car. I noticed, It is not only how we look or feel that has changed -it is a whole new sets of behavior we don’t know how to approach. I took my bag from her and smiled without her even knowing- at least I was wearing my favorite high heel boots.

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“Follow your dreams”

He sat next to me in school and used to call me “Versace”. He is 25 years old now. A baby. Today he called me for advice. When I was 25, I was starting my Master's degree in education. I wasn’t brave enough to learn what I really wanted. I chose the easy way. Thinking how important it is to have someone saying to you  “follow your dreams”. Today I was one of them.

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Adjusting

We have made a birthday video today. Me and my baby sister. My best friend will be celebrating her birthday in a few days and her husband is making her a birthday video.

We got dressed, we practiced, we laughed. I guess, with time, you get used to the “new normal” because it didn’t feel like pretending. It felt like we are adjusting. One day at a time.

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Talking with your eyes

We were all together today, talking from a far. All four of us. It was difficult. I could always tell how they feel, what is their mood, if they had a bad day or a good one. Today I couldn’t. All I could see is their eyes. No smile, no face expressions, Just eyes and they all looked sad to me. We were greeting each other saying words of hope and “normality” because no one could really say the truth. Not now.

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Piece of mind

They are buying plane tickets for the next vacation. I was born with “who knows what will happen tomorrow” mentality, so ordering anything in advance feels risky to me. Today, watching this guy paying for plane tickets for another 6 months feels not real, but maybe he is right. Maybe he bought it for a piece of mind, an assurance everything will be normal again, even if it doesn’t look like it, yet.  

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Ghost town

Ghost town. That is what I saw today from the car window. We were out to buy my sister her medicine and I couldn't believe it. There are two main streets in my city, endless stores and coffee shops but today it was a ghost town. Few cars, one police officer and plenty questions with zero answers- Just hope. Hope for a better future because I haven’t even started. yet. 

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In case you were wondering

Masks. Everyone is doing them and everyone thinks you should do them too. So no, I am not and I don’t need you to tell me I should. I know a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean I am doing them. Remember, when you chose to be a lawyer in a specific field you didn’t switch to another niche because times were difficult and you wanted more money. In case you were wondering, I am not doing things for the money and not quitting because it gets hard.

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Positive. Period.

There are four boxes in front of my face. Four big boxes above my closet, full with memories. Memories from the army, Letters from soldiers that I kept. Sometimes I wonder why I keep them, if it is healthy to save things from the past. I love looking at the boxes from a far but wonder what it would be like opening them. I am sure they will make me laugh but will it also make me sad? Why does it have to be both? Can’t it be just positive. Period.

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Not now but definitely later

“I stick to what I know” she said. We did the same studies, different years. she is been working in the industry for a long time but never used the computer in her designs. Computers weren’t my thing either I explained, I am still learning but I am thinking for the long run. I am stubborn, I know I could do so much more if I stick to “the traditional way” but I choose to study. I know it will pay off. Not now but definitely later.

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1 big dream

Holiday night. I am in bed with my school notebooks. Plenty of white shits, showing different shapes and sizes of clothes. It was a year of precise work. 12 hours a day of hard work, 6 buses a day for transportation, and 1 big dream. I don’t know how I did it but I am so glad I did.  

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Happy holiday

Tomorrow is a big day. A holiday. Good vibes, friend, family and good food is my holiday. This time, the holiday has a different color. I used to call or text my favorite people in the world during the holidays. People who I don’t get to talk on regular basis but are close in heart. I tried doing it today- but I just couldn’t. Who wants to get a “happy holiday” now. I am not sure I am.

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Easier

One step and at time. It easier to stay in bed, to tell myself I am not in the mood or not feeling better. The current situation allows us to feel like it is ok to not be ok. Life is not only what we know and remember, it is not only “going outside”- It is also working with the unknown even if it is easier to do anything else but that. 

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Best gift

She has a big head. She was like that since she was born. With that big head comes big personality. She is younger, kinder and smarter. The gift I wanted from my parents arrived when I was 14 and that was the best gift I could ever ask for. I look up to her, she is truly something special. Now she is coming home from the army after three weeks, she misses us and we miss her but, there is a but, even though she is my favorite person in the world. I am scared.

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Free trap

Another free consulting call with an attorney. His expertise: Risk management. He warned me at the beginning of the call “I am a pessimist, make sure you don’t take it personally”. He was decisive and very pessimist- and I did take it personally. I am human.  After 60 min call I was laughing, I have been here before. Falling into the free trap. I am done until I will be strong enough. Note to self

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Look the same

The internet is exploding from masks pictures. Yes, it is a life saver- I know. Maybe the people who are trying to make fashionable masks are right, maybe they already understood what I refuse to acknowledge. This new area where you will make sure to be covered before leaving your house- is hard to digest. Now we will all look the same and who wants that?! Not only we ran away from people instead of walking towards them, now you will be able to see the world but he will not be able to see you- not all of you.

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keep on walking

It feels so good to be needed. So good to be asked. Especially when you know the answer. She called me asking for help. She was one of the top students in my class, I wasn’t. She made the best final project while I wasn’t even close. I had one thing that no one else had, shiny eyes as my teacher used to say. I was slow, picky, perfectionist with endless enthusiasm. l still am. Now I just need to keep on walking. Even though sometimes I not sure where to.

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We laughed

I had a problem with my phone and computer so I packed my bag and entered my car wearing gloves and a mask. It was a half problem and a half excuse. I went to my favorite brother. The one who is always willing to help. I know I am suppose to say I love all three of them the same- but I not. I love him the most. He managed to fix it, we laughed and I was so happy. Suddenly, it is not something you take for granted. I never did but still, it has a different feeling now and I guess that feeling will never go away. 

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