When I work I work. I don’t do anything else. That is why I love to start my day early. The streets are still empty and when I am drinking my coffee at work- it is very quiet. By the time everyone gets to work, I am eating my lunch. You wouldn’t see me having small talks in the kitchen or taking long breaks- but people are different. Everyone has their own routines, habits, and obsessions in life. That's the point.
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Monday, June 29, 2020
Now there is no turning back
Every time there is a red line at this intersection I turn my head to the left. Facing the ocean. There were so many days I used to look and cry. Feeling confused. Those days are now over. Now I look at the ocean with eyes wide open, with endless hanger to learn, a great amount of pride, and self-confidence who keeps getting higher. Now there is no turning back. Thankful.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Not compromising
I am always “uncomfortable” to ask for a favor. I can spend a lot of time convincing myself I don’t need it even though I do. I am looking for the perfect fabrics, knowing there is no perfect. I can make a big purchase and regret it. Nothing will be perfect. Not anytime soon. Not until I will start selling. But this “uncomfortable” feeling has to stop. Not compromising now will have an impact later but knowing when to stop- is as important.
Saturday, June 27, 2020
Stubborn enough
I have learned how to listen carefully, to those quiet voices Inside my head. Those who keep saying “keep on going…you can do it”. While the other voices, the loud ones are laughing. They laugh at this plan, this schedule, this obsession. One day, I will appreciate the fact I was stubborn enough, making an effort to hear them. I am already thankful I do, otherwise I don’t think I was here right now.
Friday, June 26, 2020
No matter what- I will be ok.
No matter how you will describe me, no
matter what title you will give me, I will be here. Doing the same, but better. Because
no matter how much money I have, how many failures I possess, how lonely it
feels sometimes. No matter what- I will be ok.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Not because I don’t know the answer...
There is no waiting. It is all on me. No approval
needed, no emails waiting to be answered- just me, making all the decisions
throughout the day. Even if sometimes it feels like I am waiting for something-
an email, advice, or a sign- I am not. Not because I don’t know the answer- but because I am scared.
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
This is a game for the long run
If it wasn’t hard, I don’t think I was here. When things are not challenging anymore, I am out -but this time it's different. It is not a role I can quit when it is not challenging anymore or a “dream” I have achieved. This is a game for the long run. Knowing you need to be patient, consistent, and focused- even if sometimes you "jump" with your imagination to the next adventure.
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Maybe it supposed to
We reminisce. It all feels like “yesterday”
to us when we speak. “Everything seems better when you talk about it in past tense”
they say. Trying to bring you back to reality. Maybe it was great. Maybe I was
present. Maybe it did go fast. Maybe it supposed to.
Monday, June 22, 2020
It feels like growth
It make me happy. It puts my thoughts in
order. I was always an “overthinker” but I guess now I don’t “just” think. I ask myself more questions, I question my feelings and watch my moves-
And it feels good. It is not easy but I guess that is why it feels like growth.
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Proud at all costs
It feels like I have a billion steps ahead
of me. A billion until it will be out there. Ready for people to buy it. Everything
is important. The package is important, the look of the website is important,
the people I choose to work with are important. Money is not the point, I want
to be proud of my product. I want women to feel good when they wear it. I don’t
want to work fast, but I do need to be faster.
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Hard is not the right word
I don’t want to use that word anymore. hard. I want to put it aside for a while. If I am thinking about how hard it is all the time, what is the point in doing it? With the words we use comes a feeling that has the power to change the way we do the move and the outcome. I don’t want that distraction. At the end of the day, I am doing what I always dreamt of. Hard is not the right word. Maybe challenging is.
Friday, June 19, 2020
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Questions
I always ask questions. Too many questions. I walk around with a list of questions so I will be prepared with the right questions to the right people. It is a never-ending list. Most of them start with “why”. Some of them I ask myself, and don’t have a proper answer. Maybe there are questions with no answers, maybe I am not trying hard enough.
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
On the right track
I took a big step forward today. I know I will never feel ready anyway. She runs a small factory across the street and has more than 40 years of experience in the fashion industry. I called her this morning and 10 minutes later I was there. She said “I never saw something like that” and I smiled. After that, she said so many things like “unnecessary”, “complicated”, “tricky" but I couldn’t hear her. I knew I will figure it out. After the first sentence she said, I knew I am on the right track.
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
No regrets
Maybe not everything suppose to be pleasant. Maybe in life, we need to know what pain feels like. Maybe that
is the way we learn. I hope it is not for nothing, but I guess it is up to me. I
just know, I have no regrets.
Monday, June 15, 2020
Everything is meaningful
I am always looking for the logic. In everything. Why do people do what they do? Why do they say
what they say, the way they say it? because if there is no logic behind it, what
is it for?. Sometimes I get stuck on the “meaning part”. I get frustrated by questions with no purpose and answers with no meaning. There is no “just words” like there is no “just work”. Everything is
meaningful. If you choose this road.
Sunday, June 14, 2020
That is who I am.
Sunday morning. They all arrive late. By the time they are having breakfast, I am already eating my lunch. When they discuss whether they should order in or go out- I have managed to sew an entire top from scratch. This is not a competition. I was always like that. As an employee and now, as my own boss. We can have a small talk on our way to the printer or at the kitchen while I am making my coffee- but you will not see me taking an hour break sitting on the roof, enjoying the sun, or talking about the news. Sometimes I wish I was. Now, more than ever I need to acknowledge it and embrace it. No comparison needed. That is who I am.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Note to self.
I see him all the time. He is dressed as a clown, waiting for the red light before starting his show. He’s moves are not special. His outfit is very basic and his facial expressions are far from playing according to the role- and I wonder. What is it for? No permission is needed if you wish to do that, but if you choose to be in front of people (who didn’t ask for it)- wouldn’t it be great if you could make them smile. Note to self.
Friday, June 12, 2020
Heroes.
I
have so many heroes in my life. I listen to them, I learn from them and implement
what they teach me on a daily basis to grow. When I go to bed, I know I have learned something
that makes me better.
Even if they are not by my side, they are out there. Guiding me with their insights and experience. Encouraging me to think of a better solution. They don't know me but for me, they are the best teachers I have ever had. Forever grateful.
Forever.
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Next level
I am
always printing something. Making files, adding another excel, or looking for
the right approach to define my “baby”. Yes, It is not a real baby but I put my
heart and soul in this, more than anything else I have ever done in my life. It is my escape
and happiness. My dreams and reality- but at the end of the day it is not a hobby, It is a business. Printing is not going to take me to the next
level. Shipping is.
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
Find a solution.
It is hard. I know, I am not a construction worker but this game is hard emotionally. luckily, In the past year, I have adopted this habit of “I will reevaluate tomorrow morning” or more like “I will figure it out tomorrow”. This means no matter how hard it was today- tomorrow I will fix it. Find a solution. This is a great habit. Let’s not lose it.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020
Now. Not even tomorrow.
It feels like if we don’t have anyone to compare ourselves to- there is no need for effort. Otherwise, Why didn’t we get dressed while being in lockdown? Maybe because we asked, “for whom?” and I wonder why can’t we put the focus on us instead of others. Comparison is easier, it might make us feel better, stronger, and forget our own issues instead of facing them- but now it's the time. The time to face it all. Now. Not even tomorrow.
Monday, June 8, 2020
Even if, for a moment, it feels like we are not sure where to
I didn’t go to the studio yesterday. I guess I felt overwhelmed. From “hiding in my room” to being around people is not easy. After all, it was a lockdown of more than 10 weeks. On the weekend, when no one is there I am thriving but the noise, the questions, the movement made me quite, anxious and hesitant. Today it happens again. That feeling. Needless to say- I jumped out of bed and felt a lot better when I came back home. I guess sometimes things get off track but we should keep going, even if, for a moment, it feels like we are not sure where to.
Sunday, June 7, 2020
Sometimes I wonder
Sometimes I wonder how I trued up the way I am. I didn’t see any passion or inspiration through
my childhood eyes. but still, I am here. Working hard with no map, no feedback, no
fear- and that is why I wonder. How come I turned up the way I am. Maybe it is DNA
maybe it is faith, but one thing I know- I am lucky.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
I smile because I can choose
It is a big building. Four floors. An open space for designers with no designers but me. I take my ideas and a few hours later I wear them. Once I see it I smile. I smile because I didn't give up. I smile because I believe in what I am doing. I smile because I can choose. I smile because there is no other place I rather be.
Friday, June 5, 2020
Another day, another mistake
Another day, another mistake. I have been doing it for a long time now and wondering why am I still making small mistakes. You wouldn’t see it nor anyone else but I notice it. I am making progress, I have it on paper but sometimes it feels like a shouldn't be dealing with those little ones anymore. That makes me feel like I am standing in place instead of walking forward. Maybe I should breathe as long as they are small. Maybe it is all excuses for not taking the next big step. Move on.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Manners.
We were standing in line. Each one of us holding a bag with 50 empty soda cans. I use to be embarrassed by that when I was younger- but not anymore. It is money I have paid and it has nothing to do with how much money I have. A lady next to me asked “where did you find all of that?” as if I was hunting for soda cans on the streets. Even If I was, would you say that to a stranger? Will it make him feel embarrassed, knowing he did. I answered “big family" and smiled out of manners. Something she was clearly lacking.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Maybe pretending can help
I am here now and happy. It feels like I never left. I am sitting next to my favorite sewing machine looking outside the window. There is a plane toy hanging on electricity wires. He is not going anywhere, but the wind makes it seem like he is. Even if nothing is clear right now, maybe pretending can help, for now.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
I am going back
I am going back. Back to my favorite place. My open space studio. After 10 weeks at home, it is the right thing to do. Not the easiest choice, nor the cheap one but definitely the right one. The one who will bring things to life and make them better. How do I know that? because it feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. Wish me luck.
Monday, June 1, 2020
I wonder...
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