I guess I am stronger than I think

I woke up today thinking if I should go to work today or not. Maybe taking a weekend off will be good for me. 10 minutes later I was dressed and ready to go. After all, I knew exactly why it was so hard. A lot of changes to make, big questions with no answers (yet), and a road longer than I thought. But I am here. And I am happy. I guess I am stronger than I think.

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That is exactly why I shouldn’t stop

I am sick. After all, it been a tough week so I wasn’t surprised. I was laying in bad, knowing I will have to adopt some new habits, new characters in order to survive. I will have to take a chance on people, believing they are on my side because I can’t do it by myself. I need to invest my money and avoid overthinking. And remember, when things get tougher, that is exactly why I shouldn’t stop.

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This has nothing to do with you

He was nice, kind, and polite. I talked a little and listened a lot. He was sharing his story. From having his own business to managing his parent's shop. It seems life wasn’t easy. “It is a tough world,” he said, worrying about me not having a plan B’. I sat in my car thinking “This has nothing to do with you. He was SAYING IT to himself. Reassuring he was making the right decision”.

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Another day, another comment

“You should probably be working for someone, I don’t think it’s for you”. Another day, another comment from someone I don't even know. Sometimes I feel like it is doing me justice, as if I am getting extra energy from it. It shouldn't be like that. No comment, good or bad should impact my behavior. As my new dear friend Yoav said to me today “even if a million people will tell me I can’t I would still believe in myself. Remember there are billion people in the world”.

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Gut feeling

Sometimes It feels like I am looking for more problems. Didn't find what you are looking for? say "yes" to what they have got- and move on. But not me, be sure I will make a million calls, make another test, ask another person. This is not a yes-no question. It is not like the parking ticket I got today, which made me go outside and measure if I crossed the line or not. There is no right answer to that- there is only a gut feeling- and it says “you can make it work”.

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Lucky me

she said “remember this conversation- You can do this”. After a rough weekend, I needed to hear it from someone else rather than myself. I am not sure how much money she is going to charge me- but she is the woman I want to work with. She is going to teach me, listen to my ideas, and together we can make my dreams a reality. That is the foundation I was looking for- and I found it.

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Where happiness comes from

If someone is watching me through the security camera, he will probably think I am crazy. Jumping from table to table, no brakes, 7 days a week. Smiling, staring at the mannequin, looking through the window- thinking. I don’t think I am crazy. I am happy. My head is constantly thinking for a better solution, better design, better decision- and I guess that is exactly where happiness comes from.

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No one will tell me my worth

I couldn’t breathe yesterday night. I was so hurt by her words. Comparing me, tricking me, underestimating me without knowing me. I was mad. Not at her. At myself. How I got so restless by it. How I invested time and energy over another person's feelings and emotions. No matter who it is, no matter how smart and appreciated she is– no one will tell me my worth.  

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Are you brave enough to be different?

Are you brave enough to be different? will you insist on the things you believe in- at all costs? Will you smile even though it’s been a tough day? Will you keep on going even if your body is in pain. Will you treat people with kindness and care even though they don’t treat you the same? I want to believe I am- but sometimes I fall. I just need to remember- I come first. 

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We can choose

I am on a mission. Walking around the city, looking for help. I haven’t found an answer yet, but you could tell who wants to help and who doesn't. Don’t you know by now it is worth being nice to your customer? Aren't they the ones who pay out your bills. After today, I promised myself, only nice people will get my money. Because if we can choose- who wants to work with people who aren't. 

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Wearing the student hat

I was there again today. The city that made my dream a reality. It is a “backstage” city. Simple, No attitude, less noise- and I love it. My walk is different, my anxiety levels are low- and I feel 100% myself. It is not only the people I knew or the experiences I have had here- I guess wearing the student hat made everything easier, and I still remember how it feels.

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I was happy. Happy.

I was driving there today. To the city who changed my life for the better. Back then, I was hesitant but since they said it was free- I was in. Who knew I would meet the smartest people I know and have the greatest year of my life. I was walking down those streets not so long ago, waiting for my 3rd bus, holding a paper jacket in a plastic bag- and I was happy. Happy. 

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They said "NO" and I was pleased

I made too many calls today. Too many calls, and they all gave me the same answer- "No!". I am looking for a sewing machine that makes a certain kind of stitch. Not something too special but I believe it can make a real difference. They all answered "it's for special clothes", and I was wondering. I am living in a big country. Every day there is a “new” upcoming designer and no one is looking for the “special?”. I didn’t get an answer today- and I was pleased. I guess those days, are the once who show me I am on the right track. 

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The rest is always an “extra”.

Fearless. I don’t think I can ever be fearless. Nor do I think I can be 100% in every aspect of life. Maybe it is not supposed to be like that or maybe we just need to decide we are at 100% every morning. There will always be things I want, or I wished I had. But maybe getting up in the morning at 100%, will make the rest always an “extra”. 

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Not far from the real you

How far will you go for what you believe in? will you do the things that make you feel uncomfortable? Will you act with confidence even if sometimes you don’t really “feel” it. Even if I need to fake it sometimes, there is no other way. Act like no one is watching, because one day it will be easier, familiar, and not far- from the “real” you. 

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Important part of me- growing

Let’s talk about money. In 6 hours, I will have to confront him. He charged me much more than he used to. I have prepared all the facts, dates, and prices -like it is an assignment. But there is another side. I need them. This business is me and them. They are the best- and I want to work with the best. I have been going through this in my head a million times- knowing it would probably not going to turn up the way I planned- but, It is part of the business world and an important part of me- growing. 

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Tell the story to others

I entered his small store today. He smiled. I said I came because a friend recommended him, he immediately knew who it was. He sells fabrics. In less than one minute, I knew it is not my style but I didn’t want to be rude- so I opened a conversation. Showed him one on the designs I had in my bag. He was hopeful, he wished me luck, he remembered my name- even though he knew I am not going to buy anything. With few words, with kindness, and attention- he made my day. Those are the people I want to work with, these are the moments that make us tell the story to others. This is what it's all about.

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Smile for no reason

How will you adjust to a day that does not go as planned, how will you say “no” without sound rode? How will you shake off a bad mood when you meet with suppliers. How will you change the way you look at things you don’t like doing. I don’t know the answers yet, but knowing I am thinking about them means I am halfway there. No matter how long it takes, I always find one. In the meantime, smile for no reason. And breath. It is going to be OK.

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Now it is not the time to hesitate

I remember when I was a little girl my mom used to say “use your money wisely". Me and my brother stayed with this attitude towards money while the young ones didn’t. It was a different decade. To this day I always think if buying X will make a good deal or not. Most of my big deals up until now were fabrics, clothes, and weekends away. Nothing too big. Too big was never my world. Now, it is. Now I have to start adjusting to “big deals” because it is a big game. I need to pay and move on to the next thing. I know I can do this, and that is exactly why now it is not the time to hesitate. 

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“It's going to work or it's going to work”

I was going through them. Thirty of them. Thirty tops designed exactly how I saw them in my dreams. They all give me this “stomach ache” I get when I see beautiful things, that optimism vibe, that visit in another world for a minute, that excitement who can’t make you stop smiling. Because “It is going to work, or it is going to work” and they both sound good to me ;). 

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Prove everyday you deserve to be there

I placed a big white paper on the wall in my room. This was on the first day of quarantine. I knew it is going to take a while so I transformed my room into a temporary "office". I wrote my key sentences from books I have read, goals, and strategies. Every day when I get back from work it’s on the floor- and no matter how strong the tape is, it keeps falling down. Maybe to remind me no matter how many times I fall, "get up, move on" because your place is on the “wall”- but you need to prove everyday you deserve to be there. 

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Smiling for a while

Smiling for a while. It is Friday night, and I am here. Sitting in a small office by myself in a four floors building. Looking at my computer- And smiling. Now I can see it. The vision, the vibe, my work as I saw it in my dreams. And I smile. I was here so many Fridays this past year, in most of them I didn’t smile. But If you believe, one day you will- no one will take you there but you. 

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Pay more for trust

Would you pay more for trust? I want to make money but I want to sleep well at night more. Will I be able to do so, without knowing if my order will get here on time? Will you make me disappoint the people I love the most?. The price makes it is so hard to say “no” to you but I should always pay more for trust. 

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Long days don't mean anything

I think it is a gift. The ability to sit down for long hours. All I need is quiet and a list of tasks prepared in advance. That is it. You will see me when you get to work, and you will probably see me on your way out. I was always like that. I just want to make sure I am working on quality and not quantity. Long days don't mean anything. Unbelievable work does. 

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We act like it was never here

We act like it was never here. We forgot about the pandemic who killed so many, who threatened us so harshly. When they opened the gates people forgot, and the mentality was “it is not going to happen to me”. I am Scared. And you should too. I didn’t sit in my house for so many months for nothing nor do I need to remind you how to behave. This is not a game, but you are acting like it is.

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Home is where my mind is

Home is where my mind is. I am not sure how I feel here yet. It is not been easy. It brings a whole new me to the table. It is not the high tech me, but it's not a human resources job either. It is different and I have to be ok with it. No matter what the vibe is, know you are not attached to a place nor a title. As long as you keep on thinking- nothing bad can happen.

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I wonder how it feels

I wonder how it feels to make a room for someone else, Someone who will bring my vision to life. Tomorrow I will give him four of my designs, cut and ready to be put together. I have packet each design in a separate bag, with a picture clarifying what the result should look like. Maybe I need to trust them. Knowing they are experts in their own fields- only great things can happen. Now it's the time to let go. 

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Who knows if the “else” is better

Sometimes I get stuck on the “if only”. If only I started younger, if only I jumped sooner, if only I said "no" to the wrong offers. I would be somewhere else. But who knows if the “else” is better? who knows you didn’t make the right call? At the end of the day, we can’t tell. We can say we made mistakes and took the wrong decisions but we can never tell what would have happened if we chose the other path. This is nothing but a distraction. Mind your own business, your challenges, and your obsessions. Anything extra it’s just a distraction. 

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I just need to breathe when I hear it

“You must be hiding from something. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, working so hard” she said. Another day, another statement from a girl at the open space. Maybe I am. But I don’t need you to tell me, what I already know nor do I need you to send me a job description when you know I already have a job. You may feel it is not a “real” job, but that has nothing to do with me. These are your feelings. I just need to breathe when I hear it.

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This is real life

“You should ask for a student discount”, he said. “I am asking for a student discount for years”, I laughed. It is not only about the money or that feeling of making a good deal. The student hat protects you, allows you to keep on jumping “in-between” things, making mistakes, and take less responsibility. But I am not there anymore. I am ready for criticism, everything is on me and that is how it is supposed to be. Now it is time to say goodbye. You are not a student anymore. This is your real life.  

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I can dream but not as big as I should

Short term or long term goals. Sometimes it's hard to see your goal. I am walking towards it every day but small steps, short term goals are guiding me. I can’t see the long term goals yet. We all know we live in an upside world, but I don’t think it is about that. I think I have always been that way. I can dream. But not as big as I should. Maybe now is the time to start. 

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