Watch out.

Sometimes I make it harder, for nothing. A simple task like going to get some fabric, drop off designs for laser-cut will turn into a big, never-ending stories inside my head. I will start with a list a day before, I would think of endless problems- but in reality, it turns out easy and full of laughter. You just add yourself extra work for nothing. Watch out. 

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Smart questions

"Are you leaving already”?. I used to always give a “smart” answer. “I was here all weekend”, “I was the first person to enter the building". This is not a competition nor a place to let your ego answer back. I don’t need to share my schedule or commitment to my work to no one. I just wish you would ask me smart questions instead. 

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Sharing stories

Sometimes you share. You share because it makes you feel better. Because you trust the person in front of you. Because that is what friends are for. He had tears in his eyes, and I felt bad. Bad for telling him, bad for sharing what was not necessary. Those stories have no solution, no purpose. So as the act of sharing them. 

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No need to hurry.

I used to be in a constant hurry. Hurry to get back come. To take a shower. To plan my schedule for the next day. Now, I don’t feel in a hurry anymore. I am where I want to be. I saw my grandmother today, after work. Wanting her approval on one of the samples. Looking at her. The calm “me”. Enjoying this time, together. Realizing I used to rush the wrong things. 

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"That's o.k” is not a real answer. Anymore.

Could I choose better? Did I handle it properly? at what point during the day I was less productive? I used to ask myself these questions and give an immediate answer -“That is ok. One thing is better than nothing”. Now, it is not a proper answer. I have to point out the specific issue, think about it, and figure out how to prevent/overcome/ deal with it, for next time. “That's o.k” is not a real answer. Anymore.

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Optimistic

“You will not be that optimistic in the future. It goes away when you get older”. A nice lady, from one of the government offices mentioned in our random call. She was nice, generous, and managed to give me a brief about her career, children, and marriage in a few minutes. “I was optimistic before I got married,” she said, her daughter was too- but not anymore. I am optimistic about life, about love, and my dreams. I feel bad you lost yours but hope I will never lose mine.

 

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Or it’s just a great story I tell myself

“I need to think about it”, he said- and I was happy. He saw it, my ongoing stitch dilemma and he took some time to think about it. After all these years in the fashion industry, you could tell he was really trying to figure it out. Trying to give me a good answer – maybe it means I am really on to something or it’s just a great story I tell myself. 

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Lesson for next time

 "It is not done until you see it in your own eyes". I prepared myself to not get too excited when I found someone willing to take this job. Today I went there. Asking the "small" questions in person, Not over the phone. And I didn't get the answers I was hoping for. Lucky me, I caught it on time- And got myself a lesson for next time. 

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Tell a better story.

We tell stories. We tell ourselves stories about our lives, about our future, about our surroundings. We can even feel the feelings in advance. But life doesn’t go that way. The stories we tell ourselves are based on things we hear, things we have learned from past experiences, things we imagine. No matter what your story is, you can always make another one. A Better one. 

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Give yourself another answer

I always wonder what they think when they see me at work on the weekends. Some come here for an hour, some come to pick up something they forgot but none of them come to work like me. Do they think I am crazy? Do they feel bad for me? Sometimes I wonder. Obviously, it doesn’t really matter, Nor do I really know what they really think. I mean, We are what we think other think of us- so give yourself another answer. 

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You learn.

When you are by yourself for so long. No team, no boss, no coworker- You learn. You learn about yourself, you learn how to change your mindset, how to calm yourself down, how to overcome a bad mood. You have to. There is no place for “bad day” or “another time”. There is only dealing with it- and moving on. Note to self.  

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Lessons will be learned no matter what you choose

I am sitting here, In front of a big table. Watching them. My babies. My designs. I know I shouldn’t call them like that, but I have been planning every one of them for so long- I can’t help it. I am looking at every single design and wonder if I can change anything, add something, or if I chose the right color. Maybe I can try harder. Make it better. Maybe there is more than one “right” option. Choose and move on. Lessons will be learned no matter what you choose. 

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Saying “no” to money

“I don’t want to do it anymore,” she said. “I thought I will be happy when the money will come, but I am not- so I am not going to do this anymore". I thought about it on my way back home. Saying “no” to money is hard but putting yourself first is smart. I am not there yet, but I hope- I will choose me first. Always. 

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Focused.

“I think I am going to take a day off”, he said. I don’t know what I would do with a day off, I thought to myself. I used to enjoy sitting with a friend for coffee but Now It feels like I need to be somewhere else. Get another step done. Maybe I am running away from other aspects of life- but I just now I need to be here right now. Focused. 

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Every day makes a better me

Give me a great fabric, a big table and a cool machine- and you will get the best me. When I stand next to the table, thinking about how to make the shape I have inside my head- that is the exact moment you will see me the happiest. Solving a mystery, thinking about the next move is what makes me alive. And no matter how scary it is sometimes, every day makes a better me. 

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And the answer is “Yes”

We have an answer. And the answer is “Yes”. I found them. And I couldn’t be happier. By the way he cleaned the machine before demonstrating what he thinks we should do with the “mystery stitch”- I knew I found my guy. I am going to pay a lot more than I planned but I know I will be able to sleep well at night. Or at least I hope so. Wish me luck ;)

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Bold, after all.

“Your clothes are bold, noting like “you”” he said. He has one definition of bold in his head, and he can’t figure out how a workaholic, “nerd” like me is making “sassy clothes”. This is my interpretation of his “bold”. When I think of "bold", I don’t think I am bold enough. I was never a party girl, “no limits”, crazy kind of girl. Same word, two different meanings. But maybe being where I am today, makes me bold, after all. 

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You are the one to make that call

Friday night. I am on my way home from work. Smiling. I have solved a problem I had for a very long time. I had a productive day and you could tell I was pleased. But I could stop thinking “isn’t it weird?”, Working as usual on the weekends. And the answer should be ” No, it is not”- because you are the one to make that call. Move on.

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I will always remember

This week was tough. No answer to my big question yet- but I was still able to see kindness and care without asking anything in return. And that was amazing. There are people who care, who want to see you succeed who will get out of their way to try and help- and that is something I will never forget. I will always remember the people who helped. With their words, smile, advice, or recommendation. No matter what, I will always remember.

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Today, tomorrow and forever.

I want to get to the next chapter. To see it with my own eyes. Ready. On a happy customer or in a nicely packed package, ready to be shipped. I want to see people reactions. listen to people talking about it. Deep down, I want to make sure I am doing the best I can. Today, tomorrow and forever. 

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Choosing the “easy way” out

How come no one wants to take that job? How come people say “no” to money?. I know it’s not simple, it requires you to be focused, think differently and work with patience- but it's nothing unheard of. Maybe because you are scared to mess up, or because you rather do what you are already good at?. I know everyone wants to make money but I guess you rather do it by choosing the “easy way” out. I just wish you knew, different is always better.

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Maybe "think harder" is not the answer

Will you consider compromising as losing? Will it make you feel like you haven’t tried enough?. I don’t like that word, but sometimes I feel like I am hiding behind those “unsolved questions” to earn more time, more trials, more groundwork. Maybe compromising is knowing you will start with X and figure something better as you go. Maybe "think harder" is not the answer. Maybe, "Start with what you have got" it's a good enough answer, for now.

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Saying things out loud does make a difference

I am still on “the stitch mission”. I didn’t give up, yet. I know I will figure something out. In the meantime I am meeting people, spreading my “we must do the things we love the most” vibe, and it makes people smile. Today it was two young ladies. I could tell they needed to hear that today. Their eyes were wide open as I spoke about my journey and it made them feel better. It made me feel better too. I guess sometimes saying things out loud does make a difference. 

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Until I will get it right

“I wonder how you will deal with failure,” he said. And I laughed. I have tried so many things that have failed, and I still know another failure is waiting for me around the corner. His version of failing is “no one will buy it”, but I know there are people who would. And if not, it is another failure until I will get it right. 

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That is already a “win”

When I was younger, I always felt like I was missing something. I knew how to appreciate the things I loved the most but I was always looking to see what was on the other "sides". Now, I don’t care what there is on those “sides”. I am not in a hurry anymore, I choose where I want to be, and I don’t feel like I am “missing” anything. When you don't have anywhere else you rather be- that is already a “win”. Note to self. 

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What I always knew

What is it for? For the money? The fame? The freedom to choose my own path? To learn another degree “for fun”? To tell you "I made it"?. No. This is not for any of them. It is to prove myself, what I always knew I was capable of.

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Calm

I am calm. No matter how long my days are, no matter how painful my body feels like after standing for more than 10 hours straight - I am calm. I know I will pass this obstacle. I am just trying to avoid this “beating myself up” habit for not dealing with it sooner. This is nothing but a distraction. Nothing good will come out of it. Next.

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There are no guarantees

It is painful when you pay money and get nothing in return. You went with hope, you know exchange will happen but there is no promise. It is a bet. I love paying for advice worth the money, for a piece of clothing that makes me feel good, for a service that helped me achieve my goals but like everything in life “there are no guarantees”. Note to self. 

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More thinking

I was looking for one of my notebooks from school and I found a few of my diplomas. The one who puts a smile on my face is the one who taught me how to make my ideas into reality. My university diplomas are also there but they don’t mean that much to me. Maybe because we appreciate more the one which was harder, which felt challenging. The one which made you see your capabilities and strong character. One thing I know, I made more thinking this past couple of years than all my years at the university. 

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I don’t know when and where I will find it- but I am sure I will.

Someone said I should meet her. She is well known for her embroidery talent- and I was hoping she could help me. I set a list of questions a night before and wrote a “to-do list” in case she didn’t have an answer. It made a difference. I was less disappointed- because I knew what I needed to do next. I don’t know when and where I will find it- but I am sure I will. 

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After all it not another top

We were sitting at dinner yesterday night. Me and my younger brother and sister. I told them about the difficulties, the struggles, and the happiness. Even if it sounds like they can’t go together- for me, they do. But they wanted to know about the bottom line, "When will you see the money?"- and I didn’t have an answer. I get anxious when I have no answers, but I shouldn’t be. That is exactly why I am here. After all, it not another top. 

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